Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags
I have such a dilemma. My cousin's daughter, so my 2nd cousin, is in northern California from New York. She's leaving on Friday and wants to see me before she goes. She's my son's age, 32, and she's traveling with her partner, he's her age. In theory I would like to see her. If I was a normal person, if I wasn't on so many meds that I can't hold a normal conversation because my cognitive ability is so compromised. If I hadn't gained so much weight since I last saw her. If I had money to take them to a restaurant. Coffee would be an idea, but the only 2 coffeehouses in town closed up during covid, sadly.
I'm trying to come up with some kind of reason to avoid meeting her. The anxiety is just too great for me. My anxiety has been so acute lately that I feel like I could end up IP if I am pushed over the edge even the least bit.
I completely lack confidence in my ability to meet someone(s) who do not have a mental illness or PTSD, and doesn't know that I do. My life during that past decade is so many missed opportunities because of my mind. My therapist keeps telling me I'm doing so much better; there are a few areas in which I feel that I am, but not so much. Never mind mania; this anxiety is smashing me. If I was fuc*ing manic I'd be able to meet my cousin.
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I bounce between saying that maybe once you're there and doing it, it will be nice and saying that you need to do what you feel is best.
I think that people don't understand how utterly debilitating anxiety is and how sometimes, it is out of our control. If you don't feel comfortable going, then family of all people should understand that. You should put yourself first and do what is best for you. And sometimes that means saying no.
I hope you've come to a decision that makes you happy.
: Hugs: