Hey all. I ended going inpatient again at the behest of my program clinician. I went to the ER very reluctantly which showed when they interviewed me. Man I was yelling, cursing, crying...I’ve NEVER done that. Not surprised at all they put my *** back in.

It was absolutely torturous this time. I felt so panicked and trapped. I considered signing a 48 hour notice to leave AMA but convinced myself not to. I was overcome by rage at my abuser and really my whole life. But there’s been a fundamental shift. Whereas before I’ve taken it out on myself, I was so enraged that I just decided right there that none of the **** that happened to me was my fault so I’m not the one who deserves to be hurt here. No, I deserve to build up my life and be happy. The best revenge is living well, right?

I don’t have much of a plan at this point except joining the gym again and pouring all my rage into the machines. I feel that if I can get stronger physically I can get stronger mentally. I will feel safer in the world if I’m stronger and able to fight back if anyone ever comes at me again. I was weak and helpless before but I’m not going to be that way anymore. Once I’m a bit more fit I’m going to take a self defense class as well.

Anyway I am now taking lithium even though I didn’t want to. It hasn’t helped my mood in the slightest but it has tamped down on the self destructive urges so that’s a relief.

I hope everyone is doing ok.