[QUOTE=wildflowerchild25;7079983
It was absolutely torturous this time. I felt so panicked and trapped. I considered signing a 48 hour notice to leave AMA but convinced myself not to. I was overcome by rage at my abuser and really my whole life. But there’s been a fundamental shift. Whereas before I’ve taken it out on myself, I was so enraged that I just decided right there that none of the **** that happened to me was my fault so I’m not the one who deserves to be hurt here. No, I deserve to build up my life and be happy. The best revenge is living well, right?

I don’t have much of a plan at this point except joining the gym again and pouring all my rage into the machines. I feel that if I can get stronger physically I can get stronger mentally. I will feel safer in the world if I’m stronger and able to fight back if anyone ever comes at me again. I was weak and helpless before but I’m not going to be that way anymore. Once I’m a bit more fit I’m going to take a self defense class as well.

Anyway I am now taking lithium even though I didn’t want to. It hasn’t helped my mood in the slightest but it has tamped down on the self destructive urges so that’s a relief.

I hope everyone is doing ok.[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you are back and that you have a plan and a shift in your thinking about your abuser. I just wanted to tell you that I took a self-defense class in college and it really helped me. I should take another class sometime as I don't remember some of it. I left an impact on the teacher. He wore a padded suit and I managed to kick him in the one part of his leg that wasn't padded. I guess he had a sneaker print bruise for a while. He was the security guard at my college and he teased me about that until I graduated.