I have a quesiton for women and wonder if any of you can help me.

My father died when I was a baby and did not have any male figure growing up. My mother never told me anything about sex. What I learned, I learned from boyfriends. Three to be exact. They were all bad expericneces and I have negative feelings from them.

Then I met my husband who was a virgin. I would not sleep with him because I didn't want to get hurt again. He was the type of guy that my mind told me that I should marry but I was still attracted to the jerks that I had dated. I felt I desearved to be treated that way. I don't know, something like that.

I am now, 37 and have been married for almost 16 years and have 4 children with my husband.

The problem is that in the last year, I have been feeling like a sexual awakening. I want more! When we first got married, I had never had an O. Not once, not even close. I didn't even know that there was suppose to be something more to it for me!! Stupid, I know. I had my first O after our son was born and even then, it wasn't that great. I was fine with it being hohum and my husband was happy as long as he got it a couple times a week. But it was always the same and mostly about him. I don't think that he really knew any better himself. He doesn't make any noises and it is always the same position and what not. My Os have increased over the years and have gotten better but now sometimes, they are amazing and I can't help but make noise! I just want to go wild but I shut down. I get too embarrassed or worried that he will think that I am crazy. I have tried to be more dominate and he seems to take back over. You have to understand that this is very out of the norm for me and I think I am throwing him off completly. Maybe he thinks he is doind something wrong? I can't talk to him openly about it.... I get so nervous but we have a great relationship. He is a great guy and a great father.

About 3 months ago, I got the courage and asked if I could try something different and he said yes. I then gave him a blow job..... something, you guessed it.... we had never done before. I really enjoyed it and am very interested in him doing it to me but it didn't seem to do anything to him. I have tried it agian, thinking that I did somehting wrong and still didn't make him go crazy. So I asked him a couple days later if he liked it and he said that he didn't mind. So, what is wrong with me??? Is it normal for me to want him to do oral to me so bad and he just doesn't seem to want to. I enjoy doing it to him.... could I be doing something wrong?

Is it normal for me to feel like this? Is this normal for a woman to go through this? What do I do with this wild woman trapped inside of me and how do I gain courage to let her out. Please don't just tell me to talk to my husband..... I shut down, get nervous and start crying. It goes back to being hurt.... one of my boyfriends forced me to give him a blow job and I puked all over him and then he got pissed at me. So I know that I am very weak in this area but I need help!!

Should I just continue and leave things the way that they are. My husband seems happy and content but I just want so much more.... but that is only a want and I don't have to have it.

Does any of that make any sense???

Juli