My mood is still going back and forth. Today I’m not angry just so regretful. It’s been 20 years since I first started self harming and my first hospitalization. Twenty years of complete nonsense. I’m tired of it. I’m gonna make it change. I can’t take it anymore. I’ll never be able to get rid of bipolar but I’m going to work through the ptsd and stop the self harm for good. It’s nonsense. Twenty years is long enough.

My mind is jumping from thought to thought but keeps zoning in on the same ones. I’m just so so tired of my whole life. My life now is fantastic on the surface and I love my family and my job so that’s a plus. I just need to keep pushing, learning new skills and talking about what’s bothering me. I’m not going to just lay down anymore.

I’m going to go to the gym on Monday to rejoin. I would have gone yesterday but my program therapist said she was going to call “later” so I didn’t want to go out. She didn’t call until 3:45 so I could have gone out. Wish she had given me a window.

I have a migraine but thanks to lithium I can’t take anything for it except Tylenol, which doesn’t even make a dent. I have imitrex and technically I’m not supposed to take that either but it’s only a moderate interaction so screw it. It’s not like I’m going to take it every day. Hopefully.

My appetite is totally ruined right now. I’m hungry but when I think about eating I just can’t find something to eat that I can stomach. I’ve been through this before, basically I have to stock my kitchen/pantry with inoffensive, basic foods. Fruit, yogurt, cereal bars, actual cereal. Stuff like that. For dinner I force fed myself plain noodles with butter. I think I’m going to have to get some protein shakes too because basically any form of protein except Greek yogurt turns my stomach.