Quote:
Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
For me, this is usually a sign that I need to go sloooooow. Way slow. Even slower than I think I do. Because on the one hand, it's really important to get in touch with your gut instincts and to really listen to yourself and your needs. And on the other hand, trauma can cause you to have all sorts of reactions that may not be helpful or conducive to healthy relationships. So asking yourself how L is making you feel when you're in her presence, what you think her intentions are/were, and why she acted the way she did can be really helpful. That's where the repair can heal old wounds, but it isn't the kind of thing that can really be rushed or forced.
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This is a good point. I do not think she acted out of malice. She never has shown a mean bone in her body, least not to me. I do still feel like she got defensive and what she did/didn't do still hurt me. But you're right, I don't she meant to do me harm.
I feel very nervous now when I'm with her. Very small. Very insecure and scared. We have to do grounding exercise to bring me back into my window of tolerance before we can even start discussing anything. I feel so uncomfortable when I first enter, that I've been skipping our hug. Once we get to discussing, I'm still very nervous. I can't keep constant eye contact with her when I used to be able to. By the time we say goodbye, I feel in a better space with her. I'm still able to tell her I love her, but it's hard taking in that she loves me. We've done our goodbye hugs. That is a mixed bag for me. She feels so comforting and safe, but I feel distant. I'm almost wanting more, but I don't know what more is. Maybe more love? More proof? Maybe to hold onto it longer? Oh, and we did do handholding on Thursday. That was good, and that I definitely wanted more. It felt static. Like there wasn't much movement so it didn't feel like there was much energy.
My next contact point is Monday morning, and my next session is Tuesday. I'll try to pay more attention to myself so she too can know what's going on with me.