Today was another up and down. I’m feeling very depressed but it’s almost not really depression. It actual psychological pain. I can’t really describe it but in depression I always feel dead inside. I’m just not dead anymore, and the consequence of that is the pain is raw and unfiltered. I’ve never felt pain of this depth before but then again I’ve always been taught to completely repress all emotions. I think that’s the problem, if you can call it that. One person in my group put it like this: she said she’d been repressing all her emotions and stuffing them in a box and her box finally broke. That’s what’s happened to me. My box has imploded. But I don’t want to build a new box to shove them in. I want to build a box of skills to handle them as they come up.

It seems right now the only thing that calms me down when the pain is overwhelming is exercise. As I move through the program I will find more healthy ways but honestly exercise is not a bad skill to use. I was feeling just terrible today after I picked up my son but it’s way too hot for a walk so I did a YouTube work out instead (which, by the way, kicked my ***). I can’t get over to the gym until Thursday because my son has two more half days due to extreme heat so youtube it is when I get overwhelmed.

Only problem with that is it turns out I’m not very coordinated and can’t follow the moves on the screen very well