Technically, yes, perhaps a minority by sheer numbers, but according to several sources I quickly looked at, a full third of women report having been the victim of abuse in an intimate relationship, and nearly 50 percent report emotional abuse. That is just in intimate relationships - doesn't even factor in other people like schoolmates, people we work with, caregivers, authority figures, other family members . . .

Not so sure it is as much of a minority as one might seem to think.

You also, again, seem to be saying that if it is happening to you multiple times, then you are somehow to blame ("something that is not working" appears to blame the victim). Maybe it is a character flaw in the victim . . . but where did that character flaw originate? Unfortunately, it is often the response to previous exposure to . . . "toxic" people and situations. Thus, the cycle of "violence" (which doesn't have to be physical).

Perhaps the bigger issue might be that, IF someone lets us know that their interactions with us are not healthy for them, i.e. "toxic", then our personal responsibility is to either actively work to figure out and correct our personal attitudes and actions if possible, OR to respect that person's need for distance, even if we don't agree with their assessment - we honestly can't always know what it is about ourselves that clashes with another person and is, for them, harmful. That doesn't make them wrong. Their experience is very real to them and may come from something we don't fully (and they may not fully) understand.

I just ran into this situation. My husband died from COVID a few weeks ago. He had been long estranged from his family of origin because, as a group and even as individuals, they truly were "toxic" in his life and he had finally been able to separate from them. Last week, completely unsolicited and without any warning, two of those family members took it upon themselves to show up on my doorstep. It was all about them and their odd way of seeking absolution I guess; it was entirely NOT about my husband to be quite honest. Those people do not and will not ever see how "toxic" they have honestly always been to my husband. It's not even gaslighting because they never have been able to see it for themselves. They would tell you they are normal, loving people, but they are completely unable to see their own toxicity. I was flabbergasted that they were choosing to invade my home and my privacy uninvited, disrespecting my husband's clear choice to separate from them, and attempting to manipulate me just the way they had always done to my husband during his life. These ARE toxic people by nature; it became blatantly clear to me when they were trying their same garbage on me as they've always tried on each other. Fortunately, I don't suffer a childhood wound from them like my husband did, so I am able to set boundaries and keep them away (so long as they don't try that foolishness again).

Some people -- unfortunately, far too many people -- truly are dangerous and damaging to others around them - some of them chronically so. Having that internal radar for those who can damage your spirit is a matter of self-care and preservation.