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Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins
Technically, yes, perhaps a minority by sheer numbers, but according to several sources I quickly looked at, a full third of women report having been the victim of abuse in an intimate relationship, and nearly 50 percent report emotional abuse. That is just in intimate relationships - doesn't even factor in other people like schoolmates, people we work with, caregivers, authority figures, other family members . . .
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True. There are good books on this topic. E.g. the one about the High conflict personality. These books - incl. that one - have clear guidelines about how to identify such people and such behaviour, then how to find and keep boundaries etc. With an emphasis on how it's about extreme behaviours that most people would not display.
Which definition does emphasise that the majority of people (luckily) are not toxic. But it does also point out how these things do still exist (unfortunately). And how to differentiate between the two.
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Fortunately, I don't suffer a childhood wound from them like my husband did, so I am able to set boundaries and keep them away (so long as they don't try that foolishness again).
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That is a really good point too. If someone has unhealed childhood trauma they will have a disadvantage in terms of that until it's healed. And lots of people have such childhood trauma.
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Some people -- unfortunately, far too many people -- truly are dangerous and damaging to others around them - some of them chronically so. Having that internal radar for those who can damage your spirit is a matter of self-care and preservation.
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Yes. I really like the way you worded the last sentence. Really good wording for some reason. Internal radar, danger for psychological damage, self-care and self-preservation, yeah.
I do think though that you don't have to have your spirit actually damaged. Maybe a risk of that if things go on long enough but even then... I'd like to believe that it's usually not true damage with it being irreversible or anything like that. Maybe damage to outer layers, losing vitality but not forever. If that made sense.
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets
I think labeling someone toxic can be seen in a few ways. When it comes to someone who has been abused multiple times and they are in a relationship with a manipulative person who abuses them then those people are toxic. I don’t think it matters if the person calling the other person toxic has been in abusive relationships their whole life or if they are a completely healthy person that somehow stumbled into a relationship with somebody who is toxic. It’s a very personal label in my opinion. At least when it comes to experience.
I think people who generally use the word toxic all over the place for anything that happens that is negative, is different than someone Who may have been in multiple abusive situations.
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A lot of great useful distinctions in here.
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I struggle with the idea of people tolerating abuse and then other people saying they are allowing something to happen. A distinction has to be made as far as people that have been abused, and people that just seem to have no understanding of how to have healthy relationships.
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And yes, very good distinction again.
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I’m surprised at people who are saying that toxic people are more rare or maybe a result of the person calling them toxic. Don’t you think most people have had an experience with a toxic person? Or at least a person who is toxic and not necessarily abused you? Hasnt everyone experienced the person in the office who is a **** stirrer and stirs the pot in order to feed off the drama?
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Maybe not I suppose but I think if there was some kind of scientific study done you would find that most people have had some kind of an experience like that.
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Yes. Unfortunately I used to ignore and deny the existence of such things. That really bit me in the ****** in the end. So now I try to tell people that they need to watch out for themselves, and recognise and accept that such things do exist, and be prepared for them and know how to avoid them, how to put boundaries up around all this. All that is a very important part of psychoeducation to me.
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Ultimately what does it matter if someone uses the word toxic frequently in their life? It’s really not my business to judge whether they are genuinely in a relationship with a toxic person, or if it is somehow their fault for tolerating that behavior. It is not my business to judge an experience that somebody else has. I know I’ve judged people At one time or another and I regret that. Only because I try to use compassion and empathy when it comes to forming relationships or interacting in general with other people. So when the mirror turns and faces me and I realize that I have judged somebody, especially if it ends up being unfairly, I try to reevaluate my behavior and determine what it is about the other person that made me feel I had a right to judge their experiences.
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That's a great note and insightful to me. Thank you for this.