Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
So toxic is a feeling? I had not thought of it that way eskie. So basically people are sharing what social behaviors and types of individuals are too uncomfortable for them to be around or interact with.
|
It is a feeling to me, yes, the particular way these things affect me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
Actually it is not wrong for all people though it is for some. The one thing WRONG with the statement is that people can treat you bad. The only thing actually is that healthy people don't accept bad treatment while unhealthy people due to abuse or whatever, never learned how to counter it.
I am sure I encountered my share of bullies & "toxic" people growing up since my parents were really VERY dysfunctional....BUT the way I responded kept them from continuing to try & my mom never successfully made me feel bad for responding to some of the ways she tried to manipulate sympathy.
I am sure that the personalities we were born with along with the environment we live in contribute to how we deflect those kinds of people who touch out lives. Seriously, I fought hard against my now ex who thought he could control what I did. Simple ultimatum.....if you don't like the goals or plans I told you about before the wedding & gave you a chance to back out then....you can get the #@[[ out now. I don't play games with abusive people or even behaviors that could be construed that way by others. Always had boundaries but they have gotten more FIRM with age & good therapy.
Only reason I ended up staying in my bad marriage so long was because I got lost in my career & really just kept cleaning up the messes he made financially while I was handling my career. It was when that ended I finally got a good picture of just how bad it was but then was trapped in it financially while still fighting him like I always did
|
I think that it's also about luck. That different types of manipulative people will manipulate differently, or different types of toxic people will have a different effect on you (whether intentional manipulation or not intentional at all), and it's luck if one hasn't run into people who could affect them deeply enough like that. Because everyone has different vulnerabilities, and not everyone is going to manage to touch on them.
So I really think it has nothing to do with being healthy or unhealthy. If you (general you) are a healthy person but someone finds a way to e.g. lie to you effectively enough, then it's going to be a problem anyway
(See more below too, I'm responding to your newest post too)
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
I get that it is a way of expressing how we feel about someone's behaviors. Remember, what is toxic behavior to you may just feel like a "pain in the @$$" to someone else because they have different coping skills.
|
Yes. Great way to put this. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses too. So this does partially influence this. And then someone may be at the best time in their lives, high vitality, lots of happiness, lots of resources and support, so they will be able to take more negativity than someone else who's already drained of their energy. This also partially influences things.
Then some things are of course too extreme for everyone, but then with some things this is individual, a pain in the ****** for someone and toxic poison for someone else as they can't clean it out fast enough. And vice versa, something else could be poison to the first person and only a PITA to the latter. But then yes, some things are going to be toxic for anyone. Lots of lying, or violence for example is not something anyone would want.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
I know before I left my marriage I am sure my now ex "felt" I was just as "toxic" to him as he was "toxic" to me....even though he didn't want the marriage to end & I did. Many times "toxic breeds toxic" & then the whole relationship gets destroyed. When I was dealing with that relationship, I saw that my response to his kind of abuse was an abuse in my own way retaliating to it. The personalities of each person involved basically determines the kind of response will occur. I am a fighter, don't mess with me kind of person so when I "feel" someone is toxic, I used to respond in my own like manner as my defense. Now I walk away because I don't want or need those kind of people in my life & they are firm boundaries now... most times cast in concrete
|
Yeah, I practice not engaging, too. I'm a fighter too and I also like constructive discussion so I used to think there was a point in interacting with the assumption that we each would look at our responsibilities, instead of escalating the issue into really bad, negative drama or other toxic behaviour leading nowhere. I used to believe that such people operate like the majority of people. But no, they do not operate like the majority. Too many issues of their own get in the way, probably. Either in general too many issues, or for the particular type of situation that's ongoing. But it's not my job to solve their issues. I have only one life and can't spend precious time on other people's issues like that. So I just do not engage.