Actually yeah that is a good way of putting it......The warmup can take forever on a bad day. I can get out of bed and be ready to go on good days. Also when some bad stuff comes up for me that hits hard enough, then it's like my warmup "baseline" increases for a while even on good days. Like I got as far as, I would need 30 mins to get out of bed (used to need way more every day). Then something hit me bad a few weeks ago. Then the 30 minutes went up, to 60 minutes, a full hour, it was too obvious for me to not notice that. I was also able to enjoy some things less or less easily or less frequently. I'm not sure where that baseline is now, I know I've partially recovered, but I haven't got the chance to measure that time to get out of bed now, I had two or three good days recently where I think it was pretty good but I forgot how long it took to get up. And now since I have to survive extra stress again (again in survival mode!), I can't measure it for now. When things calm down again I can try. I hope it's back to 30 minutes from 60.... Anyway on really bad days it takes half a day to get anywhere near thinking about the work to be done. Or the whole weekend, last weekend. That piled on stress because I was stupid enough to promise that I was gonna work all weekend lol. And I don't think I even needed to promise that (I did it because of the dysregulated emotions as per above). I realise now that nobody cares if I do the work at the weekend. But I piled stress on for myself with that anyway, and I did end up doing the work but only in the wee hours of Monday. Because I took the entire weekend to warmup to it. And now still not having truly good days and then I got this extra stress with the harder work stuff

And I'm gonna write more, thinking aloud. So I was actually feeling stable again after I recovered having slept enough after making up for my delay at dawn/morning on Monday. I did waste the entire Monday tbh because I got up only in the late afternoon and then I didn't really have the energy to do more (slowish warmup!) until the late evening. So I did only a little then and then I knew it's better to go to bed in time to catch up on the little sleep debt from Monday (1.5 hours) plus better to sleep at night ofcourse. I did catch up on the bit of sleep debt and slept enough and well enough. But the waste of Monday it didn't help me otherwise. It's Tuesday late afternoon now and still warming up.


And really the point is, I hate how I first felt so NICE like OH I'm not being delayed with anything, I can just do a part of the remaining work Monday evening (or skip it even on Monday, tbh not a big problem), and then another part Tuesday, then another part on Wednesday (=deadline). But then I got this extra added and it wouldn't be extra normally, I mean.... if I'm stable I could deal with the harder task too and split it up for Tuesday and Wednesday to get it done alright (It has a Wednesday deadline too). But it was just nice to feel good with how I wasn't delayed at all and it was a VERY tolerable workload, too easy even.


So I'm not even sure why the long warmup today. The fact is though it's f**king up things for me again though. The long warmups are themselves added stress too. The fact that they are unpredictable is truly the biggest stress.