That's really great stuff. I really really do not want to give the negativity any space in my head. Really do not....I want it to all go away, the bad past too.

I did make progress too BTW....with the truly toxic people, I know how to not engage at all now. I ran into one recently, a guy, but I managed it really better than in the past, I did not talk to them at length, I simply called him out in one single sentence, about his unethical stuff, that line was very much bottom line to the point about the moral issue. And then I did not respond to him anymore, not even "innocent seeming" stuff from him. Nothing at all, nada. I don't need to spend even one single moment on them. The thing is it did ruin 1.5 days for me anyway, until I realised that I truly can just decide to not interact at all with him or with anyone else like that. ANYONE. That was so great. I do my bottom line calling them out or not even that, depending, and then full-on ignore. That simple..... even if they respond to my calling them out, I ignore that response. Or if I don't even respond at all, then that's just simply ignore right away. I do want to sometimes push back like that for a short time, being on the point with it very much and then disengage, because I do not want to internalise the negativity they tried to pour on me out of the blue. The difference afterwards is that I KNOW what to expect from them in future. NO LONGER out of the blue, no longer unpredictable. That's great too, I think. So I can push back like that and then disengage, without being surprised if they respond or how they respond (if they respond at all - in the case above he dropped it Well he tried to passive-aggressively hint but it was easy to ignore that fully).

But I want to be able to do the same to my negative past too, somehow. There were a couple bad people in my life, I'm fully past one of them, thank god. The other one....not fully yet. I've worked on it a lot but I need to finalise it. I can't wait to do it. I want to be able to be like.... treating it like the above. But for that I do need my bottom line I could use to call them out (even if only calling them out in my own head as I no longer talk to them). I feel I need to do that. Then I can move on..... Just be like, ignore. Just like you described it. !!

The lines that inspired me the most from your post here I think were:

"When triggered, I am not crying and sinking into deep depression any more"

"I won’t give nasty people space in my head!"

(Also this was pretty good for me: "I feel at peace with all my relationships and DO NOT want to get into it with anyone ever again. So, I will avoid conversations that will cause conflict and upset me.")

I know that stuff from the bad past can cause spells like that, like you describe, even if I don't cry usually, I just do go deep, low, loss of energy and all that. I want to not have to anymore. Not even for a few hours, not even if I remain half functional and not going totally acutely low into a crisis, I still do not want to lose even one day over it, not even a few hours!! These people are like strangers to me so are worth 5 minutes of my time, not even that tbh, 5 seconds even!!

I think my issue is I need to understand without any "bargaining" and "what if" or finding more of a "big picture" to be able to just say.....yes it all was nasty, and yes it wasn't my fault, and yes it's normal to have felt all the mess over it, because it was like I behaved my usual, in my usual, normal way, but they had done these nasty things anyway. It wasn't anything I did, if I ever try to consider what it was I could have done, then I'm back to disorientation and getting low and everything. And letting them push guilt, blame, etc on me. And so on....

I was able to deal with the loss of the good (or good seeming) relationship I had with the person originally. It wasn't easy but I could. But then they faked that everything was good, that I didn't lose this relationship. And they faked it only to get money and other services from me, to exploit me. That distinction I only figured out recently...... it shows how it was actually nasty, I guess. Doubly nasty and stuff.


I'm not going to write more about it here though. I'm just not able to share it with anyone and it just came out of me now. There was more but I don't want to go off topic and don't want to burden you or anyone, just can't share anywhere so it's hard sometimes lol. Sorry. Thank you again for this inspiring post!!



Enjoy your nice day!