So Sorry you're going through this! Welcome back! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about conctactin a therapist and/or pdoc. It does seem like you may need some Help. There is no shame in seeking some assistance if you're struggling. Please do stay Safe. Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @waterfall99, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!