@buddha1too

I appreciate your kindness. That is what I keep telling myself right now. It will pass. It always does. In the meantime I just have to keep myself safe and continue doing small things around the house so I can avoid feeling like a complete waste of space.

I am very depressed again today. Having lots of self harm thoughts and some SI thrown in for good measure. Every time it pops into my head though I remind myself that it would only shift my problems to the people I love most dearly. It wouldn’t be fair for me to be at peace and everyone else’s lives completely ruined. My son would probably end up killing himself when he’s older if he even makes it that far. RS would be crushed and I don’t think he’d ever recover. My brother would drink himself to death. Everyone else can go to hell, I don’t care about them, but those three, my boys, I just couldn’t do that to them.

My therapist was running process group when I checked in about how I was feeling. The group ended up being about grief and though I lost my first husband suddenly I didn’t feel I could relate because he was my abuser and I really just want to kick him in the face. I don’t miss him. I’m sure someday I will let go of the anger and maybe, MAYBE miss him again. But not now.

My therapist who was running the group called my name like she wanted to talk to me real quick but I had already hit the end call button so I left before I could undo it. I have my individual session with her anyway. I have to be very careful with what I say because she always rats me out to RS. He can handle my self harm thoughts but he won’t be able to handle SI. But I tell you this, I will NOT go back to the hospital unless I am handcuffed and committed. That’s a hard no from me.

I don’t think I can handle dinner today so I’m going to ask RS to order a pizza. The only thing that really needs to be done around the house is cleaning the litter boxes but damn I just remembered I never got litter when I was out.