I used my sisters yoga mat in the living room to meditate for 10 minutes - I set a timer. My back was facing against the window - Lots of thoughts but kept bringing myself back to the breath. Tomorrow I'll do it for 20 minutes (Mindfulness meditation) and I'll try and do this every day in the afternoon or when I'm finished working.

The stimulant gives me a good amount of focus every time that I do this - But I feel a lingering sense of sadness like everything will being taken away and that I'll be tortured - But I'll try not to manifest this and only mention it once. I think it leads to gratitude.

The mushes will come in handy for later once I get the hang of this.

If anyone has some insight about myself and what I've been posting here, let me know - Positive or negative. It would help me out.

I haven't talked to anyone in a long time and I feel like I'm just on autopilot. I'm not scared of criticism. I'm never anxious (Except when I get rare dissociative panic attacks) - So no Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I like to face my problems head on because I'm too curious but it seems like I've just been getting bad luck lately.

I feel like every piece of me is damaged because I can't let go of the toxicity of what those people said in the video chat. My self esteem has become very low. I realize that I need to change and stop avoiding pain. I feel like I'm manifesting a self-torturous hell.

I feel like I don't care about myself or like I don't even want to. What's the point? I've been around so many sociopaths. Idk if I really take anything seriously. People are like "I must do this because this happened in life". I don't get it. I never felt like I had a choice in anything - And I'm a long way from ever standing up for myself. Assertiveness feels like aggression because I've been so beaten down that any time I try, it's at the wrong time or unneeded. It's like I want to fix things NOW.

Maybe I have a form of psychosis. My thoughts are mixed with mystical forces or demons controlling all of my thoughts - Maybe OCD.