We received sad news this morning - my kids great-grandmother, Gi Gi, will probably die today or tomorrow. She is 96 years old and has led a very full and happy life, but the thought of not seeing her again is so painful to me. We love her dearly, and will miss her so much.

This is so reminiscent of when my dad died 4 years ago - those final days waiting for the end, knowing it was coming. I didn't deal with it well - I was too young, and still drinking, and in the process of having my 3 year old diagnosed with autism and providing 100% of the emotional support for my mom, my brother, my uncles, my kids. I didn't have a support - no T yet.

Anyhow, my pattern is to run, run, run, run from feelings. I don't even notice I'm doing it - it's my default. So I've just been frantically busy all day, really frantic and desperate, eating loads of cookies in between the busy-ness. It all came together in a horrible, awful migraine, and I had to lay down for about an hour and finally take some hydrocodone. Thinking about the feelings makes the headache come back. When I was laying down I realized how frantic I'd been all day.

Can anyone relate to this? I don't know HOW to have feelings. They scare me. I've spent my entire life NOT having them, and even now, when I'm in therapy because I *think* I want to stop being numb, and running, I just can't seem to let myself feel them.

So now I'm sick from cookies and hydrocodone, my head still hurts, and those feelings are still pushing at me from under the surface. My oldest son is pitching in a big baseball game tonight, and I want to go and enjoy and not feel this sick.