I would be interested in understanding your idea better. Conversations with other people about my emotions related to processing to the past, is that what you mean?

My issue is that I don't feel it's healthy at all for me to let that be the very first thing in the day. Like, I do acutely feel like what feels best and healthiest to me is if the first thing is me getting up, dressing up, grooming, eating breakfast.

I do also include work in that too (work to earn a living).

(TLDR: the rest you don't have to read. It got long. Your post helped me think aloud though I didn't get very far with it because I didn't figure out any way to raise my mood enough, which is the issue in a nutshell. This thinking helped me be very sure of that at least, that that's the issue.)


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So...Besides people generally saying "work first, play second", I do feel that'd be also healthier, to do the work first before processing and talking to people... (even tho' this processing of issues is also work for me, hard work, not "play"). If I could do it, I mean. I.e work first, the rest next. On good days I can sometimes do it now!! ..... Too few of those good days still though.


Then there is the thing I figured out today or at least I think it could be true, I don't know if this gut feeling is to be trusted but yeah. That whenever I feel like going on this psychology forum or reading a psychology book or psychology articles (I stopped doing the latter, it took up a lot of my time before, but it did add to my psychoeducation). Then that means that my brain is trying to process my emotions about the bad stuff that happened to me etc. (either in the past or recently with people but mostly the past. But anything people and relationships related, really).

So does it mean, I need to find a way to talk about it. But I don't even know how to put stuff into words for a long time. Takes long to be able to feel the stuff and then to put it into simple words.


But what I'd really really like I think is the following and it was your post that made me realise it. I don't want to block my emotions or processing or whatever, I know it helps me, and I did neglect it literally for decades before, but I don't want this stuff to get in the way either. Like if I could tell that side of my brain that it's all okay if I wait and do the daily routine first, and then I'll get to it, that would be great. Just absolutely so great, imagine it! I would be able to do the work tasks, and then do the processing AFTER I'm done with work that others need me to get done, that I get paid for, to earn a living and so on. Then I would never be late with deadlines. It would never be a f*** struggle to meet the deadlines, or a constant struggle to play catch up with them. Damn it, DRUMROLL, I could even do my sports training regularly! Because I would never have to work at night and the stress would never go so high from that, making me skip training and making my days a complete mess. I could just, really, be able to function while holding the processing back until the afternoon or the evening or something like that. Or even just like, late morning if I'm finished early with the jobs, if I don't have to do a lot that particular day. But yeah, it not getting in the way of having a normal day. Now that'd be great yeah.

While writing all that out, I realised I don't even know why it cannot be held back like that. I went to a therapist once that told me to do exactly that, put the problem aside, and deal with the processing later. I told her I can't. She said but that's what you need to do. That's what people do. I said I just can't. I don't know why I can't. But I do know that unless something really good happened or I luck out and have a good day somehow, then I have a better mood only by the evening or by late night or sometimes only by next morning. That is why I would pull allnighters to do the work in the past. It's better now but it's still not great.

But anyway, is my inability to hold it back related to my mood being low, well not even low, but totally blocked out, of course. It's so low it needs to be blocked out by my brain. Well obviously. That's it.

When I said I'm not able to hold it back I mean is when I try to do things. When I try to get over the block.

But if someone helps me feel good, because they pay attention to me IRL, or something, then I can hold it back for a while. Then I feel I function more normal. And the processing of the issues when I don't hold it back anymore, that's a lot less painful too. Oh well. I just don't want to be told that the only way to do this stuff with having normal days is if someone pays attention to me like that IRL lol.


I used to be able to feel good going out with a friend to see a movie. Like it would help or would've helped when I got the trauma starting from a bad situation. But since those friends also ran away afterwards, I don't think seeing a movie with a friend would help anymore (even if I still had one of those friends around). It needs more fundamental stuff now to lift my mood to that point of not having to block stuff out because it simply feels good enough being in the world out of my head.

OK, so I just want to be like, reassure my own brain that things aren't SO horrible, and the processing and stuff about people relationships can wait. Like they aren't that EXTREMELY important anymore to get first priority with wanting to be the first thing in the morning. And that I'll get to it anyway for sure, I'll get to it later, not ignore it completely like I did it for decades. How I'd reassure my own brain though to get the block out of the way without then feeling real crap that needs processing ASAP, to avoid having to feel extremely low. Without someone else paying attention IRL either to make me feel better. Yeah. Dunno.

...

Tbh it's already a step forward if I can think aloud. Usually if I either find something I can relate to in a psychology book (usually the anecdotes in CBT books, sometimes other books but I noticed it's easiest with CBT books for some reason, or maybe other books that have some good, structure and system introduced in them that's easy enough to follow). Or on here on the forum if someone responds in a post to me or on the chat on here.

It's a step forward because then my brain/mind isn't just completely empty/blocked And then eventually I can get somewhere with thinking, well more like writing, I'm not that good with thinking in my own head. Unless I get lucky

It's just that a lot of the thinking is redundant because I've got through it before. Like it's part of the warmup Like, I have to go through it before I can find some conclusion I can actually use. Because of how empty/blocked my mind is when I start with it. :Shrug: There's been psychology studies about how much mental effort it takes to go from loss to gain. Especially MUCH effort to go from big loss to gain. So this is normal when I'm doing it all alone without extra energy, lol.