I am still very depressed today but I have a little hope because a dr FINALLY listened to me and started me on seroquel xr. She’s taking me off of lithium as well since it’s a big pile of useless.

I had my individual session with my therapist today. I did tell her that the one year old’s birthday party I went to on Saturday may have triggered me. I do not like babies. My main trauma happened when my son was a newborn and beyond that he was such a difficult baby that I just hate being reminded of it. He always cried, he rarely slept, I had to hold him 24/7. It was terrible. It got a little better once I learned how to swaddle but seriously not much. And all his father did was tell me everything I was doing wrong. We also discussed some of my other recent behaviors and triggers. She asked why my weighted blanket makes me feel safe and I said because I’m weighed down and it’s gonna take extra effort for someone to try to get it off and hurt me. But I can’t use it right now because it’s just been so hot. So she said to find another safety object to use for the summer. She suggested a pillow, something I could hug. So I’m going out this weekend in search of a safety object.

I forced myself out of the house to the gym today. Rode the bike for 30 minutes. I also forced myself to walk to pick up my son from school. When RS came home we went for a nice dinner at a restaurant with outdoor seating on the River. It was gorgeous out, a wonderful evening for eating outdoors. Thing is as soon as I have nothing to distract myself I’m just so physical uncomfortable. Like I feel like my skin is crawling and I have to rip it off. God I’m hoping the med change works.