This will be a long post and if you take the time to read it i appreciate it. Not really looking for advice or anything mostly just venting and ive REALLY been struggling with loneliness and feeling overwhelmed low energy lately.

Im glad to see theres an AVPD forum on here. Most support forums ive been to over the years just didn't have one. The closest thing was social anxiety and while its similar its just not the same. Or maybe this is what SAD becomes when its untreated over time. I remember reading that before. All i know is ive been this way my entire life. Its a very tiring exhausting soul draining way of living. I thank GOD everyday for my wife. I honestly dont know why she sticks around but im thankful for her.

Im 46 years old, i managed to get married raised two kids. Im on disability now for this and some other stuff i have CPTSD, SAD, Depression, and, insomnia. Been on it about 11 years now after a couple attempts at going in the army that failed due to the above. I even tried twice but it wasnt meant to be. Had a nervous break down the second time i went back. Started crying for no real reason until id cried so much i was dehydrated. I guess that came from the CPTSD i didnt know i had at the time. Who knows at this point...

Now the last 20 years have kinda been a blur. I only remember mostly being at home all the time. No real human interaction except online. To the point that my dreams involve mostly made up characters instead of real people. I have this weird feeling its the same people that appear differently somehow. Maybe theirs some sort of information of a psyche manner in there but i have no idea what.

The only thing thats really helped me cope all these years was I met some people online through video games. We became pretty close friends like brothers. We played FPS games, hung out on voice chat, different programs through the years, mumble, teamspeak then discord. There was a guy on there that was constantly rude i couldnt deal with it after literal years of it. So finally one day i left. I messaged the friends to tell them I wasnt angry with them and it had nothing to do with them. But one never responded and the other acted like they didnt care or i was in the wrong. Long story short i lost my only friends. So now i have nobody to even talk to. Ive been on reddit for the past few months trying to meet people just to have somebody to talk to, to not feel so isolated. Ive found a few penpals but they generally disappear or ghost. Plus at my age its hard to find people close to me in age so thats yet another hurdle to overcome. For some reason i can talk to people online but i still cant talk to people offline in real life very well. Most times not at all unless its just some basic interaction like buying something in a store, food etc. I can do those because i have no real expectations i guess.

Ive actually built up my self esteem some over the years but i still feel like i dont belong anywhere and that im not like other people. Ive worked really hard on combatting my different illnesses too but i think the hardest thing is that people just dont understand really how hard it is to live with this. To live LIKE this. To be surrounded by people but to be so alone because you cant connect with any of them.

So anyway after losing my friends like i say i found a couple penpals i became close with them. They were both gamers too and we hit it off so we started a discord. I was feeling pretty good. Then some needless drama happened. Which was really nuts in hindsight. this lady joined and her ex was on there and you can imagine how that went. Well skip forward a few months i finally had to take a break because i was getting overwhelmed due to my anxiety. I had to take a menatl health break. I explained this to one of the friends i started the discord with. They got mad at me because i was looking for a penpal to talk to in the meantime and decided for some reason we just could NOT be friends any longer. I told them i wasnt trying to replace them i cared about them etc. But that wasnt good enough. I feel like that person had some other stuff going on too like they were a narcissist or had borderline personality or something. Something just felt off. But i genuinely had grew to care about this person. So now theres another friend i lost.

I lost another penpal after that and it just feels like people dissapear so much especially online. You can really care about people i mean really put your heart out there and just poof theyre gone. It all seems so temporary and false, fake, like an illusion. But this is all i have. Its all ive known my entire life almost.

It just feels so pointless to even try. I know i should be thankful i can at least talk to people online and theres that. But i think in a lot of ways that makes it worse. Because then i hold out hope that one day ill have friends again but it mostly just feels like a headache.

I think im gonna try to join a tabletop RPG meetup or something and go to that. I have an appointment with my therapist next month so i also plan to start back therapy. Im getting older and i dont want to have lived my whole life and not even know what life is actually like. At this point while im not suicidal, i dont mean this in a bad way at all. But im actually looking forward to dieing to get some relief and be done with this place. I have a strong relationship with GOD and id just be glad to get some peace and be home is all i mean.

Sometimes i go to town and theres whole buildings that werent there before since the last time i went because i dont go hardly at all. I feel like a time traveler. Its weird.


Anyway ill stop writing now because this has became a novel but i always seem to have a lot to say like this. I think I may be on the spectrum or something too but who knows man. I just wish i could fix whatever is wrong with me.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and hope yall have a good weekend.