How did you know when to end a relationship? Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you really could not say, whether you wanted to be with someone anymore?

My boyfrind (29) and me (31) have been together for 4 years. Things were very rough and from this side of therapy I would not enter a relationship like this again. Because of how he reacted to my sexual past and the fact that I used to smoke.
One could argue we've moved on. He learned in therapy not bring this up with me or to blame me. It has been a cold topic for about 2 years. But I feel I am still recovering. Only some monthes ago, I, finally, dared to confess about contact attempts by past boyfriends. We had a horrible fight, but I feel better after confessing. Because there were so many things I never dared. Friendships I ended... Parts of my past I just closed away. All a I was so afraid of the next fight. Because he would go all quiet and sad and stop talking to me, when he saw cigarettes in a supermarket... back then I made myself feel responsible for this kind of behaviour.

Now, I slowly start to recognize what I want. Often I just didn't know. Now, I can even say it, when I know. But it still comes out at the wrong time... or the wrong way...
I did not plan on ending the relationship today.

It is much better between us. But I know there are still parts where I am doing too much. Trying to take responsibility for his life, in order to help, to reduce his stress, so support him in his ambitions and dreams.

I work for him as a freelancer for 1 year+ now. And I like my job. I just don't like when we fight because of it. And I feel, I landed myself in a situation where I just gave too much. Due to Covid contracts were cancelled. When we did not know, whether we could continue with the main work I offered to take social support along side with him. Mostly we do his own projects from funds. But those are hard to raise. There is a lot of uncertainty. And high pressure. Because if we dont succeed, he has to pay it all back.

My mother, who has been suffering from cancer, got worse. She might not have another christmas. And I just feel it is all too much.

To him his work is his passion and how he wants to live. And he wants to share this with me. But I feel so tired. It feels like work comes always first for him. I just want to move together and start a family. Or I used to. I am not sure I want it with him anymore...

Today I told him, I dont want to work for him in the longterm and that I want to quit in about 5 monthes. I get that he is diappointed... I did not plan on this, but I think we are about to break up. Because I just cant say: "I really want this", anymore. Or: "This how I want to live"... I could not even say that I love him today...

I know I care for him. But I just feel so numb. I really dont know whether I care one way or the other. Then I feel bad about it.
And I have this voice in my head that keeps saying:
"You might be throwing away a good relationship!"
And then I think: "Maybe it is for the better..."
I feel so lost. Maybe I am mixing everything up?
Then I hear his mother's voice in my mind, blaming me for leaving him alone with all the work...
Why is it so hard for me to say what I want?

Have you every felt numb about something like this?