Everywhere you turn, if you are depressed, sad, or even the "s" word, people are telling you to "reach for help", to "ask for help", etc. Where? Honestly, I feel like no one cares... no. I KNOW no one cares. No one cares how I feel, no one cares I am sad for years, no one cares that I think about "s" almost every day and that I feel like I am less than nothing. I don't even want to die, quite the contrary, I really want to live, but this is hopeless. I don't know how this is in other countries, but here where I live, Serbia, it's just hopeless. Outside it looks like sweet little country with sweet and kind people and it's pretty safe, very little crime. But it's so lonely! It's so hopeless! I live in a small street where maybe 800 or even 1000 or more people live in incredibly ugly square, grey buildings from socialism era, and it's polluted, noisy, ugly, and everyone is sad or angry. I have to feed few surviving stray cats like a freaking ninja because people here HATE animals and hate basically everything, and even then someone sees me and gives me lecture. Because I feed three skinny starving stray cats! While they are all quiet when they don't get salary for months, when every inch around is polluted and filled with garbage and 99% of city is pure concrete. I am so tired, I am almost 49, I have no friends, no one to talk to, my mom died, my boyfriend emotionally tortured me for 14 years then decided he is "not good for me" and "only makes me sad" and freaking dumped me when I am close to 50 instead of me or him doing in 14 years ago. I am thinking of death every single day, I am alone, tired, I feel bullied by everyone, I can not confide, I HATE HATE this country but I can't leave, I hate that government and people here are destroying what's left of nature, animals and trees, and no one cares, I feel like a worthless human because no one loves me. I don't even want to die, I want to live, so desperately. Contrary to what I sound like, I actually like myself, I like my looks, I love to pamper myself, I am learning multiple languages, I am software developer, cartoon artist, illustrator, writer, I love food, I love music, comedy, art, I am trying to develop myself, to have interests, I like beauty in all forms, I like to dress nicely and put on make up, I don't care for ugly things like racism, nationalism, conservatism, hating any groups or pushing gender norms... But nothing helps. I am still alone, no one wants even to listen to me, unless I pay of course (here I mean therapists), no one wants to offer any help, my ex is like "oh so I am bad guy in your life, so you wasted 14 best years on me, so sorry, I better leave forever bye!" I am so done! I can't even feed animals without getting verbally attacked! Why? It's 3 stray cats in a block of 1000 people? Why is that a problem? Why am I always dumped, ignored, ditched, ghosted? People don't give me explanations. No one can tell me what is so wrong with me. I just want to leave forever, I am learning 3 languages in hope I will find job somewhere and escape this hell in hope, it's maybe, maybe not everything so hopeless, maybe it's just this country. Maybe it's not me. Were you ever so lonely you were thinking about death but really didn't want to die because you still like yourself but loneliness is too much?