Respect for your journey and what you have achieved bluenarcissus!
I am also recovering from a personality disorder, tho not the same one.
I have been doing some writing and the way you express yourself is great, and its actually the first time I have heard an recovering N. share.
If it would be ok with you, I would like to quote you maybe one day, these are the words I would like to quote:
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It is always right to set limits and to show reaction, if hurt. I think it is good and right to confront the N with messages kind of you are doing wrong or you are doing harm.
And on the other hand, it is necessary to seek help. Partners can not solve a serious disorder like this alone without therapeutic help. Giving love is not helpful, it will not change a thing, because the N is not able to really get involved in the process of receiving and giving back, he has to learn first to open up, to become vulnerable, to bear things like fear of loss, jealousy and the whole of the small and big pains of love.

It is of course nothing wrong with loving a partner with NPD. But amors arrows will bump off the iron armour if the target is not receptive, I am afraid.

So first things first. And the first thing at all is to tear all protective walls down. And this requires of course consent. It will only happen if and when the N is readily and voluntarily cooperating in this process (that is very painful to him, because it means to look back on old wounds).

But, NPD is learned and so it is possible to learn better ways. There is hope, I can tell that from my own experience.

It is not impossible to learn step by step to behave like a friend first and later like a loving partner.

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Only if you feel ok about this and with your consent, let me know.

Great to hear what you shared.

best.
riverx