Haven't been on in a long time.... I have never fit in ANYWHERE at any time. I make my way the best I can. I have been really struggling the last few days. Too much to say to explain everything in detail right now, but there is a lot of pain and sadness. It just seems that my life will never be able to be stable and happy. I don't expect luxury at all. I don't want to try medication, it makes me frustrated when people tell me that. I understand that it can help a lot of people, but despite that I am sad, there are VERY real reasons for it. I don't drink or do drugs either. I don't think medicating to deaden my senses just because I can't change my circumstances or the world around me would be healthy.
The world is just so HARD. It is too expensive just to survive, let alone be stable or get ahead. The political and environmental issues are terrifying. I feel like I could deal with a lot of that if I had a network, or partner, that I connected with and trusted, but despite being in a relationship right now, I am alone and can't afford to move. Don't get me wrong, there are "good" moments, but I don't feel understood, loved, or valued, and he has some dark issues of his own that he can't deal with that can make him toxic at times. My son left a year and a half ago to live with his dad. He was tired of having to do his homework, having chores, and no Xbox. Basically he was tired of boundaries. Well, he promptly started failing all of his classes, wouldn't go to school, and his dad would do nothing. I haven't seen him since he left and now he has dropped out of school at 16 and his dad did nothing. He "doesn't want to work full time" according to what my adult daughter tells me. She is married and lives on her own, but she maintains some contact with her brother and my ex. My son is lost, and no one is looking out for him. I try to reach out to tell him I love him and I am there for him if he needs, but I only get short responses. It brakes my heart.
I am just tired. Tired of always feeling the immensity of everything. I have two beautiful grandchildren whom I adore. But somehow it increases the feelings I have about the state of the world, and people on a spiritual level. I do not believe that I am blowing things our of proportion. I mean, we just have to watch the news to know that. I know I'm not blowing relationship issues out of proportion because, if anything, I am letting too much slide to keep the peace. I am tired of feeling like my future is totally unknown, tired of feeling like I can't make progress in my life no mater how hard I work, and despite looking for other jobs, there is nothing that would change my financial situation, and at 49, I feel like I can only do so much. I am tired of seeing good people hurt so much. The world just seemed to be on a high speed train to nowhere (maybe a cliff) and there is so much hatred, denial, shortsightedness, and apathy, meanwhile I feel like I am screaming at everyone, look out, there is a cliff!!!! ....but we're all absorbed into our phones, shows.... even I do it sometimes, to try and escape. Sometimes it feels like there are so few of us amongst so many zombies.
I am unsure if this is one of those posts that should be labeled as a trigger or not, nor do I know how to do that. I just want to say, if you are like me, and you feel everything, it is okay to be sad about it, and despite that I don't know you, I am sending hugs and hoping that someday we win. Someday we will "fit in". It will be a happy world then!