I cannot help to chat that often, and people have always detested me. I lean to introversion. I would rather be alone. The reason I cannot help to chat is because I just have nothing to say. People are always cruel to me anyway. Cruel, snide, and scathing. So cold. And I think that I am a cold person for having all that coldness dumped on me all the time. Then I think, in books, it says that Schizophrenics take things the wrong way. We sort of think it is a sarcasm output that someone is saying. And so I thought, "Maybe I am more extroverted than I think, and I can try this." I was really excited to make friends. Then I blew it. During school, I hardly interacted with anyone, and if I could go back in time, I would change my entire high school sentence. That way it wouldn't be a "sentence" anymore. I would have re-written history.

Anyway, my lack of interaction went down to just my mother and father. It was kind of up and down. So lesson is -- do not force yourself into a one way street. You will never be happy with just one way out. It is deeply important to hold ground on former friendships and to forge fires for new ones. Do not take my road.

So, I may be deeply extroverted and never had the guts to talk to someone or anyone regularly. And so I am stuck in this routine. Between this rock and a hard place. And it sucks. I am only just grasping how much I failed at life. And now I want another contest. I so failed.

Social interaction isn't easy. Not for me. It seems almost not natural to me. And then I think: are you really God who spent so long a time trying to make physics formulas up and did it over zillions of years and then set off bombs for the Big Bang? Are/were you that alone all your life? It's just not natural for me to know what to say to someone. And it is really frustrating to me. I think that I exaggerate it all so that it is a much bigger thing.

Do not have one road. And take it from me -- don't let that only road be your parents. You'll be miserable more than ever.