So in my session last week my therapist said something that I found hugely hurtful and painful. He said I was attention seeking which is a huge trigger for me after previous harm caused by professionals for treatment for my mental health, which he is aware of. I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably for about 25 minutes. I was angry as he didn’t offer any support and then told me at the end of the session I just needed ‘not to dwell on it.’
I emailed him over the weekend expressing how hurt and angry I was and how painful I found the session. Although my email was blunt and pointed out where I thought he got it wrong, it was not rude. This is the first time I have ever really directly challenged him on something that has upset and definitely the first time I have told him I’m angry at him in what I thought was a productive manner. I stupidly thought in a way he would actually be a bit proud of the fact I was managing to express what I was feeling.
Today he has emailed me back terminating me. He essentially told me I was too much to cope with (but worded more professionally).
I was having my doubts about whether he was truly the right therapist for me, but I thought that me expressing what I was feeling would mean we would try to work through it. He knows about my rejection and abandonment issues which are pretty extreme and he has now proceeded to re-enact them by terminating so abruptly and suddenly.
I believe he has had a conversation with his supervisor about this decision as I didn’t get the email until the end of the day where as usually he always emails back first thing. So I think he sought her advice and then I wonder how much influence she has had on the decision.
I’m in shock right now and just utterly numb, although I can feel all of the pain, devastation, hurt and heartbreak bubbling under that numbness and don’t think I’m going to be able to cope with it when it finally hits me.
Yesterday was also the anniversary of my best friend’s death, something which I am yet to properly deal with and get over and something he absolutely knew about. But he still chose to terminate via email today.
I don’t know what to do, every time I ask for help i seems to end up getting more hurt.
I just don’t want to be alive anymore.