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Originally Posted by RDMercer
The example I gave was an actual recent exchange between her and I. She didn't find fault with me, just expressed a need.
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Oh OK I understand now, so you brought up your issues independently of what she said.
What kind of support was she asking for, btw?
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She doesn't often recognize or say anything about how much I'm carrying or how many responsibilities I have. She's been sick a long time. She is fighting to maintain her self image as a contributor to the family and household. So, I haven't voiced much.
I have told her, I need some appreciation, positivity, verbal support since years. I haven't heard her say these things. She has told me, recognizing what I do forces her to see what she can't do.
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That's incredibly familiar to me, that situation, lol.
I don't know, but I played saviour, and it was a bad idea.
I still don't know where that went wrong, but I have this vague idea that it was overstepping boundaries and that I should've just simply given support and be there for the person but without doing too much.
My having success with things also made that person feel like your wife feels, "recognizing what I do forces her to see what she can't do".
It didn't help their self-esteem and in response they just got more negative towards me, I think. (That's obviously only my theory but it sorta makes sense)
Anyway back to your situation. Do you let your wife know that you do recognise her contributions? Whenever she is able to contribute whatever.
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I'm at a point where any level of fault finding towards me, and I'm ready to fight for acknowledgement. I will say, my blood family growing up never acknowledged all I did and how little support I got. They gloss over years of alcoholism in retelling stories. They preach the benefits of church and applying the AA lifestyle. I've said, so where is the searching moral inventory and apologies because I never got one. Silence. I'm "difficult" for saying these things in response. The righteousness is choking.
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Yes, people aren't going to suddenly evaluate a lot of things in a flash without crashing under the load of negative emotions and risk decreasing their own self-esteem in the face of all that, and so they can't take responsibility on the spot as a result.
If someone genuinely wants to take responsibility, it's still gonna take a lot of time if the issue is complex.
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I alternately don't want any contact with them, or crave validation from them.
Yes... codependency... I've examined that before but it hasn't been at the front of my mind lately. Definitely present.
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I think a therapist could help with this part.
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Originally Posted by RDMercer
My parents and brother have always had reasons they weren't available. "We'd love to help but we can't get away. We're tied here. Maybe sometime soon. We know you have a lot going on, but you should see how swamped we are here. Sorry you and the family can't travel due to illness, but we have a responsibility to the neighborhood Christmas party (2 years)."
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That's sad. Sorry, that's an understatement. But I feel for you.
It's sad that they consistently prioritise the neighbor's party instead of family.
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I've felt like I've been screaming for validation and getting none. I've accomplished a lot in my work in the past 10 years. I actually didn't see it. My oldest son began pointing this out to me this year, and my new boss. That felt good, but it also made me go, why the heck are my family not seeing this stuff in me? Why am I invisible? Why aren't my accomplishments celebrated?
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Tbh I had that period about wanting validation so much and whatever emotional stuff, like that. But that was because I wasn't dealing with my own emotions because um, my brain isn't cut out for it hahaha. Well, to be serious, it's just a long process, a really long process to get more conscious of all the emotional stuff. Both inside yourself and around you (other people's and then the emotional stuff between you and other people as well). So now I'm trying to be like....be more refined in my understanding of all that and be less black and white about wanting "so much good validation" or whatever else. It's just, it doesn't work when it's that rigid an approach. I don't know how else to put it. It takes time to refine it all, and I can't say I've done it all and I don't aspire to be truly refined ever. But just, idk, be more with the flow emotionally and pick up more and have a more refined control over them. The result so far is that I've had some more fulfilling interactions without having to crave validation or crave whatever else. This process, it takes time, again. And I still don't feel heard about some stuff lol. That part is a mystery still but I know it's to do with the rigidity around it so I gonna just have to loosen up that part too
Maybe it would help you too, I don't know. But that's why I'm describing all this.
I've done a lot of psychoeducation and some therapy too
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Thank you for your detailed and thoughtful replies.
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No problem, glad if I could help any.