Hello all,

I've been emotionally bent out of shape about something and would appreciate any feedback on it.

I think it's only fair to provide the full disclosure first: I am in what I think is called a "situationship" with a woman I met a several years ago on a dating site. I initially basically "friend-zoned" her, which I have always thought is much more commonly done by women than to women. But anyway, she told me she initially thought "I am dating, I have enough friends." But she also said she valued my honesty in not playing games with her about how I felt.

Fast forward to just before the Covid pandemic. We happened to re-connect, and even though at first I reiterated the friend thing, I started to realize how much we had in common and how I was starting to enjoy spending time with her - as more than just friends. And for more than a year now it has had the feel of destiny about it.

I have been divorced for more than 9 years and have my own garage full of baggage so I am not saying I am any kind of catch. I live paycheck to paycheck which is embarrassing to me at my age, I hate my job and so on. In fact, I drink too much and started to realize I have a binge drinking problem. On top of which I devote way too much of my social life to being in bars.

Thing is, she and I can talk for hours over drinks (yes I think drinking is an issue between us in this regard, leads to kissing etc. when we might not otherwise do so), and at one dinner, we had a lot to drink and she leaned in and kissed me. I responded in kind. This happened a few more times, but each time I felt more and more and didn't need to drink to want to be with her and kiss her. Things progressed to intimacy and dating, even though we were in some denial and thought it was some sort of variation of hanging out as friends.

So, all in all I would say I have no right to call her my girlfriend, but we are definitely not just friends, and we meet for what I think any reasonable person would call dates. Day trips, dinners, TV and chill at each other's places, and so on.

Anyway, last week after a busy day at work I asked her if she wanted to meet up for a drink. She did, but for some reason that night I felt less connection from her. Even though I tend to overthink things, I don't think my observation was wrong. A lot of it was probably what she said - she had had to get up early for work so I get it - we were both tired.

However, at some point the bar manager asked if we could move from our table to the bar so they could fit a bigger party where she and I were sitting. We said OK.

Meanwhile there's this other guy whom I know loosely because we met at the same bar a year or two ago while watching football and we'd traded Instagram info. He's friendly enough, but I started to feel like he kept coming over to us to ask us to sit with him.

He had once sent me a message asking if I wanted to meet him at the same bar to watch a game, so that part seemed just friendly I suppose. But that night, once she and I sat at the bar, he walked over one last time and stayed standing next to her.

Sitting on his other side was another one his bar friends, and that guy was really weird because it was hard to understand his mannerisms and what he was saying. And he and this other guy had seemed to communicating across the bar, making me feel like he was trying to be some kind of wingman for the other dude. When he got up to go to the bathroom, he told this other guy "sit, sit." The guy didn't sit (probably because standing allowed him to be closer to her) - she said later she had no memory of the guy saying "sit, sit."

So this guy and my date started talking and apparently they both grew up in the neighborhood and so on, and I noticed that she became far more animated in talking with him in a way that she usually is with me. I faded into a sort of bystander and I could see her body language was turned toward him and away from me; usually she sits very close to me and is very demonstrative with me.

Finally, the guy takes out his phone and says to her we have to trade numbers yada yada (yada being this youthful connection). And she agreed. Immediately I had a visceral feeling of anger and humiliation inside, very physical. He made a feeble disclaimer like "I don't mean anything" and I responded equally feebly with "hey you're both grown-ups."

I settled up quickly and I guess she followed my lead and we left the bar. At which point I asked her, why do I feel like such a fool right now? We got into a sort of argument but her basic stance was that she had no idea what I was talking about and she saw nothing wrong with what she did because he was this guy from her same neighborhood.

I tend to be passive-aggressive when I get upset, so I returned to the bar the next day and texted her something like "maybe I will make friends with a girl and she will give me her number." In the moment I admit I wasn't thinking about making things better.

I've been angry ever since but I'm not even sure I am right. Am I just being a possessive asshole? Or is what she did wrong - even if we are in some in-between phase between friends and a true couple? I told a friend about this and he said end it, on top of which he said, if she said she doesn't need more friends, why did she give this guy her number as a friend?

I really enjoy her company, but I just feel foolish now. Will she do that again? Does she think she was wrong? Was she even wrong? And is all this just a way for me to use jealousy to prevent further intimacy and vulnerability with her because I'm not sure I'm even stable enough to have a real relationship?

Sorry for the long post. Also, I know a lot of advice will start with - or consist entirely of - telling me that alcohol is the problem. I agree it is a significant problem for me, but I also want to know at a basic level about this situation and incident if you have that feedback.

Thanks for any help.