I wish you’d never got in touch, how dare you just pop up in my life like that?! I ****ing hate you, you’re ruining my life and I never want to see you again.

But at the same time

I’m so happy you got in touch, so relieved to know you haven’t forgotten me. I love that you are so thoughtful and careful with me. I miss you.

And also

I’m genuinely not sure whether I want to resume therapy at all, ever. It just plays such havoc with my system and I think the relationship is just too triggering and I’m not sure trust can be rebuilt with the little ones.

Be good if I could talk to you about all this, but then that was the problem wasn’t it? Too dissociative too switchy too MUCH.
And yet also not enough. I just want some peace.