I realized today that I became obsessive about my weight loss and diet at around November. Like not to the point of an eating disorder but definitely disordered eating. I realized this because today I was incredibly depressed over the fact that I ate poorly in the evening. I was not expecting to go out to eat but RS wanted to go to an outdoor restaurant because it was so nice out. So all of a sudden I was faced with the challenge of finding something healthy at a restaurant not designed to be healthy. I ate a big burger. Well, half of it. But then I couldn’t sleep so around 11 I had to eat again. And I was so upset I had to eat again that I ate a whole bunch of m&ms too.

I don’t think it would have been so upsetting if we weren’t already planning to go out tonight to another unhealthy restaurant to celebrate my son’s last day of school. So I was freaked out about eating so poorly two days in a row that I just overate just to punish myself.

This is an important realization because I need to take immediate action. I have put away my scale and deleted my food diary app. I had already deleted the calorie counting app but even the food diary is triggering. I held my unicorn to help with the physical symptoms of the depression and spent the second group writing about 15 positive affirmations mainly telling myself that weight isn’t important right now. I’m going to still learn how to eat healthier just to fuel my body with more vitamins and nutrients that I need. I am planning to start practicing eating mindfully so I can prevent the binges.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with how much needs to change in my mind.