@AzulOscuro You mentioned opening doors.....It's extra hard for me because I am trying to rewrite the most earlier models of attachment and relationship models I think....? You know, from very young childhood. AND I have zero guidance in it other than me reading up on a ton of psychology and a ton of observing myself and idk, stuff like that and sometimes posting on here.

And I don't want to fu** up like with my family, I didn't have a relationship with them from age 4-5 anymore except my brother and then my brother stopped paying attention too sometime around when I started primary school.

(My brother and my sister are several years older than me)

I don't know it's just ****ing crazy, the whole thing, I don't want to be like fu** it up totally

I've seen some change and it's been awesome but then it gets like it's going to threaten me with complete loss of trust, I don't know if that makes sense.

And I'm feeling like I'd better not even interact to make sure it doesn't get worse

Or I just shouldn't look for any support or anything from family either and just be 100% self-reliant and that's ok but then I'll definitely not be open to people at all lol and that's how it was before too and then why did I spend several years working on all this?!?!

Really there's a few basic things you have to pay attention to get better with depression too. And one of the things is social support and I don't even know what social support means anymore. Because I was never able to get it consistently.

And I wrote an email to my social worker last winter because we were only emailing because of lockdown. And I told her how I'm really low and worse than overwhelmed, and it's too many conflicts with family if I try to ask for help or if they expect too much of me because they would not want to recognise how bad and nonfunctional my state was, and she wrote back that I should pay attention to my mother's needs and should be open and I don't know, she listed my mother's complaints basically (they do talk over the phone sometimes with my mother), and I was like....please

I've never had an email from anyone as invalidating as that.