*trigger warning*

I wake up afraid of what has happened. I recently had recurring flashbacks of violently being thrown down by my neck. Its really hard to have that reminder. I also remember the first time it happened, the first time I felt betrayed by someone who was supposed to care for me. Someone who kept promising I was his love and I was the one for him, this lasted 2 years. Parties that ended up shaded by shame, guilt and confusion. The drinking and drugs were there to drown out his own conscience, and dull my own sense, so he could do what he wanted, I remember so much of it justified through drinking and parties, as well as infatuation. I never said I wanted this, I wish I left sooner.

I find myself getting annoyed that I let it go on for so long, I feel the shame in my body and the emotions that come up, I get angry at those emotions, I shouldn't feel like this. I know I'm supposed to be kind to myself, but its SO hard, I just feel like my inner child was crushed and beaten, then I continue to do the same with it, into adulthood.

I don't know if I can be kind to myself, I learnt young that I had to fall in line, I learnt to take care of my parents, they treated me as equal, but that left nothing to the imagination, I was worried about $$ when I should have been playing with my friends and taking trips to the mall. I feel like I lived 2 childhoods, the one my parents wanted for me, and the one I actually lived.
This haunting reality doesn't seem significant some days and really I should be focusing on getting through it and working it out.

I'm in between therapists, waiting for a new one, but this wait feels long and dark. I wish I could feel genuinely happy or content. I have everything to lose.