To be clear the issue isn't the money. I'm capable of paying for a taxi, I considered just doing that, but then she said yeah nevermind I can sleep over. But she did the negative face and I was already about to be knocked out -> problem.

Until now we had the "repairs" easily enough, like when she was in a good mood again, and maybe I processed a little too while lying down, so it helped, but it also caused me lost sleep and lost energy and everything too often, while obviously she's not knocked off balance because she doesn't have cPTSD.

(BTW before cPTSD especially before "best friend" sh**, I used to read her negative faces as just fun drama Lol. She really does move on from the bad mood fast and I do too, or I did before cPTSD or when I'm not overloaded now, then I can still move on fast)


I would never try to explain that to her though lol.

I'm just FED UP because I don't need it to get in my way anymore. That simple.

That's the practical side of it, that's simple.

The emotional side of it is a mess, thanks cPTSD, but yeah. I can view it as, ok, yeah she doesn't know what she's doing, she simply doesn't feel like giving all that much, because, whatever, because, blah, ....at that point I have a loss of trust.

And too tired to try and process this again to get over it. No.



OK trying again. If I never ask her for anything again and I just pay for a taxi right away or... actually, AND THEN not even come over again then that's disconnecting from her & family and I'll have a loss of trust and it won't be magically fixed and it will pull me lower when I am trying to recover. It's going to be like the "best friend", karma or whatever. You know all that her giving it on to me. I know that's stupid ideas LOL but yeah. It's totally the shortest explanation

If I ask her again sometimes, I risk the above mess. I don't know how long I can keep it up, my dealin' with it

(Or I can default to how I was. Distant. Not totally avoiding her or family but...Asking and giving extremely rarely, not meeting often. She doesn't want me to be distant anymore, I know that much. Family overall doesn't want me to be distant like I used to be)


It's a fu**in big load of mess either direction.



And I was finally gonna have a good day today. I was all purposeful for doing today, working during the day and NOT at night. Lol that's when I slip over these banana peels and get hit hard !! Thanks karma or whatever it is lol!!