So, I loved school and I loved my teenage life (I was depressed was I was 14-15 but aside from that I was happy). I was a straight A student without having to try too hard but I also genuinely enjoyed learning and studying, sometimes even enjoyed exams. I wasn't one of the popular kids but had my close-knit group of best friends and got on well with other students, liked by all the teachers. I woke up on Monday mornings excited for a week of school. Then coming home from school everyday and watching tv, youtube, staying up talking to my friends, hanging out with friends. Everything was fun and exciting, the smallest things like watching stupid funny youtube videos of my favorite bands made me happy because I was happy and so innocently invested into my interests. The last time I was genuinely content was when I was 19.

Fast forward to now. I'm 22, graduated college last summer and still can't find a job (don't even get called for an interview), I've suffered two traumatic deaths close to me, my brother has issues that's make it unsafe for us to be around him but we have to visit him soon and i'm terrified, my parents are even more emotionally abusive and toxic than ever, so is my sister, she's an abusive bully who just causes arguments at home. I just really don't want to be alive. I constantly have panic attacks, I feel depressed and suicidal so i've lost all motivation when it comes to my interests and hobbies and even picking up skills that could help me land a job. I long so so badly to be a teenager again when I was happy. I'ts almost aggressive how much I physically want to go back even though it's obviously completely impossible. The nostalgia hurts my heart so much and I cry. I still listen to many of the bands and songs I did as a teenager. Whereas back then they brought me such happy, pure, innocent, joy, now they wreck my heart with painful nostalgia and longing, not to the mention the fact that I can relate to many of them now that sing about sadness, depression, death, etc. I hate getting older anyway and even though I'm just 22 i don't why i feel ancient. Maybe because I havent achieved anything. I wanna die so badly. I just want to be 16 again.