I’ve always been proud of some of the things I’ve battled and overcome in my past. Drug addiction, eating disorder, self harm etc. I was proud to share my stories to who ever listened and they helped me through college where that personal experience mattered. I graduated with honours and had a 4.0 GPA.
Was proud.
A few days ago I was standing in my kitchen, and a memory came rushing in, and instead of feeling that sense of accomplishment, I felt shame and embarrassment.
Then I thought of everything I’ve been through that I thought I was proud of and again I was greeted with these negative feelings.
Ive never felt like this before. It took my by surprise. I broke down and sobbed. I’m still crying.
The feeling I have is so strong, And the shift was so sudden it’s almost scary. Like an epiphany but reverse. I can’t seem to talk myself out of this. I truly feel deep shame and embarrassment. And it’s why things are messed up today. Because of my past. I used to think I was a strong person who’s been through a lot so it’s okay that my life isn’t the same as everyone else’s and now it’s like my life is like this because I’ve made bad choices and I can’t take it back and change things. Im going to bring this up to my T this week. Maybe they can help me work through this.

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