Hello,

First thanks for all of the helpful feedback. I just want to add some more context based on what you have written back so far.

I think there are three things going on.

1. I had to admit to her that I live paycheck to paycheck and am trying to het out of debt and don't have extra money to travel. I felt compelled to reveal that to her after she became increasingly upset that I seemed unwilling to travel with her. As time has gone on, this, along with the drinking and my insecurity, has made her understandably more distant and less lovey-dovey.

2. Based on some reading I did, I seem to have a very insecure attachment style. So it makes sense that I am prone to being overly sensitive if I am out with her and see her give her number to another man, even if our relationship is not defined. That insecurity is definitely something I have to work on.

3. Even though our relationship is not defined, following is a sample of what we have done together and said to each other - most of it mutually.

- dated (not just dinner, I have heard her tell others on the phone that she is "on a date")
- kissed, petted, had sex together in each other's beds
- taken a couple of day trips together
- held hands as we walked
- used terms of endearment with each other such as baby, babe, love, etc.
- she has invited me to travel with her
- sending kiss and love emojis and her repeatedly texting me that she thinks I'm cute
- I would walk her home at the end of the night, just the two of us, and either kiss her good night or she would invite me up to watch tv/movies, drinks, etc.
- (This was one-sided) She introduced me to her sister, some of her friends, her teenage son, his father. I had not yet introduced her to any of my "people."
- I don't know about her, but I had told her I had stopped dating, checking dating apps, and so on.

To me that seems like a lot more than just friends. As such, I respectfully disagree with those who said she did *nothing* wrong by giving her number to the guy in front of me. However, if I try to keep in mind my insecure attachment style mentioned above, I would say she was rude/inconsiderate (i.e. even as a friend) and I am just perhaps unfairly trying to raise it to the level of cheating/romantic wrongdoing given the other things she and I were doing prior to that night. Furthermore, I still recall that she said she would have been very upset had I done the same thing in front of her by giving my number to a woman. That doesn't strike me as fair if such behavior is doing nothing wrong.

Finally, I have had a couple of other bouts of jealousy and feelings of abandonment:
1. She invited me to a dinner party for a professional group she belongs to. After introducing me to the host, she went about socially and dancing with other folks and I was pretty much on my own. She took me along when we went to dinner after, and she openly stated to the whole table what she was missing in her search for a relationship (so in that context she clearly had me there as a friend). But one of the guys there went in on her saying how he would be the man who would satisfy all the things she mentioned. When he raised his glass to her, she toasted him back. After the dinner, when I assumed she and I would walk home alone as usual, that guy somehow decided that he would also walk her home. She agreed, at which point I felt instantly sad and jealous and abruptly said goodnight and went home on my own, crying all the way. Everyone had been drinking btw, which made my reaction worse. At the same time, she later admitted that he has long been after her so that in that case I was not imagining things.

We had an emotional phone call that night in which I asked her, will you be my girlfriend? She didn't answer. And the next day she said she wanted to talk because she didn't know how much of what we said was alcohol-induced. She never did answer my question.

2. The day after she took me to dinner for my birthday, I went out drinking alone. After sending a few texts to her and not hearing back, I sent her a torrent of drunk texts worried that she was ignoring me or dating someone else or that I did not satisfy her. I could have sworn that her texts showed as read but she later told me she left her phone in a restaurant all night and there was no way they would have shown as read. She just had not had her phone with her. After that she has (rightly) said she doesn't like all the drinking. She is busy with work this week and traveling next week so I wouldn't be able to see her in person even she wanted to, I suppose. She has stopped the lovey-dovey stuff completely. I can't blame her. This week so far she hasn't even texted me unless she is replying to a text I sent her.

What is strange is that I said friends only at first, precisely because I was afraid of not being able to give her what she needed in a relationship and wanted to be up-front about that. But I was unsure about a relationship with anyone, not just her. So that has been confusing to both of us as we grew closer over the past year or so.

I despise being at the mercy of my emotions, and she herself said, presciently, that hanging out like this meant we would risk falling in love with each other. Which I think happened. However, I am sick to my stomach because I have bonded strongly with her in a situation where I don't think I am good for her (given all my issues) even if I did ask her that we should define the relationship. Ironically it is almost as if she and I have switched places, romantically speaking.

Thanks again.