First timer here and am really searching for healthier ways of being. Quick overview of my life. Grew up with an alcoholic narcissistic father as the oldest child of four. Have always been very sensitive and discovered a few years ago that I grew up with undiagnosed ADD. I'll be 45 this weekend, so back then, they didn't even have ADD in the DSM IV.
Anyways, discovered I was a teenage alcoholic from my first drink at 14. Only drank/drugged for five years when I got into AA and Alanon. Have been active in those programs for 25 years with 23 years continuous sobriety. During that time, I've done counceling, read countless self-help books, tried meds for depression and anxiety, attended experiential workshops, yoga, meditation, and exercise.

A couple short years ago I was looking seriously at taking my life due to serious depression and some difficult life challenges. Today, I'm in a much better place but have had to come to terms with an Schizotypal Personality Disorder which suggests that recovery groups are not helpful. The symptoms that are listed are very close to what I've dealt with since about 10 years old.
These are the symptoms:
Schizotypal Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of social and interpersonal deficits marked by acute discomfort with, and reduced capacity for, close relationships as well as by cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

* ideas of reference (excluding delusions of reference)
* odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with subcultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, belief in clairvoyance, telepathy, or "sixth sense"; in children and adolescents, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations)
* unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions
* odd thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped)
* suspiciousness or paranoid ideation
* inappropriate or constricted affect
* behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar
* lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
* excessive social anxiety that does not diminish with familiarity and tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about self .

The 25 years of 12 step recovery has helped deal with some of the more glaring aspects of this disorder, yet I'm asking myself if I should put any more effort into establishing relationships with others. I have a girlfriend and my immediate family in my social circle and thats it. All the so called friends from my past have left and in many cases leaving me with a huge sense of betrayal and hurt. I've searched the internet for information in dealing with this personality disorder and have found very little.

My spiritual recovery is good. Training for a marathon has taken place of anti-depressants and is working better than any prescribed drug I've ever had. Emotionally I'm doing ok given I'm not feeling very depressed or anxious lately. However, I've given up doing things related to being around others including my 12 step recovery programs. It's been too painful to establish relationships and watch them drift away as some of these symptoms increase in direct proportion to stressors that happen due to my high sensitivity.
Spending over half my life in recovery, I've come to the conclusion that I'll just have to 'accept the things I cannot change' and live with this as best I can. It sadens me that human relationships will be limited to my very small circle I currently have.
Any feedback welcomed...
Thanks,
Philski