It is getting more and more creepy inside of my head - I am scared to talk. I am so scared.
I got out of mental hospital - it felt so surreal. I isolated myself and then well I thought I would end up homeless once again because I realized I could not walk nor take care of myself...
Just awful.
I am in contact with my father again. He is trying to help me now. It is very difficult - everything is.
But they confused me more and more in mental hospital and sometimes blamed me for the dissociative states or whatever they are.
They hat no idea how to help me really and just 'asked' me. People got too close and a lot of stuff was scary...
Getting treated for self-harm - just awful... I did not want it but if you are crying about that you know it is kind of bad.
I wanted to take back everything I said- just mute myself.
Why that diagnosis, why?
Then not sure what it is or was - the feeling of not being believed...
I hated it. I can not use skills they do not work.
Stuck in time, no feeling for time always confused.
Scared to hurt others and so on without knowing.
But at the same time of wanting to get diagnosed I did not want to. Everything repeating in my head.
Saying the same, acting the same. Everything has kind already happened. Third person memories. Seeing people again where they are not. Hearing things from the past being said again.
Thinking I am simulating or attention-seeking - scared to be bonding... Confusion woth people... Not recognizing them. Weakness and falling over and trying to hide it at home. Not wanting to be seen. Isolation myself. Thinking I can study like this when I can not even get there or away from there...
Being played by my own brain with (false) memories. Confusion. 'The hate you.''Don't speak'.
Saying weird stuff.
Losing senses and behaving weirdly...
Forgetting the illness.
'Collapsing' everywhere and worrying people without wanting to.
I just wish it would also have a physical component I do not know why. I just wish.
The symptoms seem to be so strong.
Sometimes I am okay and suddenly I can not sit anymore.. Speak anymore, control my body.
I am so scared to be faking - they said I am not. It is so surreal. Sometimes I forget. I drink so much and eat so much/little at times and move in circles.
When I ask is it physical and they say we do not think so I get so confused. Idk. I feel like going crazy.