Thanks for posting this... and welcome to MSF by the way! I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Being the caregiver for a severely handicapped child must be extremely difficult especially if you're doing it alone. Hopefully participating here on MSF can be of some comfort and support to you. Best wishes...

P.S. I hope you can continue to not do harm to yourself. I know how difficult dealing with these types of feelings can be. I've given in to them way too often.