So I know T is a therapist and has to charge for sessions, I know all of this, but right now a part of me is having an inner battle to dissolve the wall that keeps real T from the fantasy T...

I've never consioulsy had a problem with boundaries as such and having to pay, I think whats brought this new awareness up is T offering me 3xwly after the last break, yes of course I paid for the extra sessions for the 2 weeks after the break, and now I'm back to 2xwkly and FEELING IT!, now I feel abandoned all over again and want T to see just how helpful 3x was and to take pity on me and say "Oh just come on that extra day anyway and don't pay for it, I;ll do it out of the goodness of my heart"...

I hate myself for thinking this because it also puts part of myself at war with the "good" T and now can't understand how she can be so real and genuine in session and yet not offer me this little thing.

I wrote and wrote last night about my feelings around this and wrote how little I know off her life and what sacrifices shes made in raising her 2 children alone, well I think it was alone as shes on her own now as I've checked the electral records and see she is the only one named living at her address as her children are grown now, and how she must have had to work hard to self support, shes a teacher on an online university course thingy as well, so seems to have been able to earn a living as well as raise her family and here I am wanting her to scarifice herself to me!!

I KNOW none of this is fair, oh wait, this is where T would say " no this may not seem fair, but these are feelings that you are feeling right now", but I don't want to feel these feelings because it HURTS!!! It hurts that I have to work to understand YET AGAIN that T is a seperate person and isn't going to "rescue" me, yes she will help me work through my issues, but shes not about to lay down her life for me.

Lets play the tape for a moment, T says, Ok come 3x and dont worry about paying, it seems to be working for you. AArrr yes so you do care? You do adore me? then the weeks go by and something else comes up to which I once again want her to give into me, then what? I'm left afraid of my own wants because the boundary has been broken and now I wonder who will catch me when my wants grow into that monster? but should I see my wants as monsterous? Or is it that once upon a time they seemed like that becasue my wants were once my needs?

It hurts trying to dissolve the walls inside of me and learn that getting ones own way all off the time really isn't what one needs. Perhaps inside I am testing T out once again to see if she can survive my wants? because once upon a time, someone didnt surivive my wants/needs?

Oh but it hurts, I feel I want to collapse into T's arms crying at her because she wont give in, unyet feelnig safe knowing that although she doesn't give in, that doesn mean she stops caring...

breathe 1-2-3