I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time. Hopefully you've begun feeling better since you posted this. (As I've written a number of times here on MSF) routine is very important to me. So mostly I just acknowledge my suicidal feelings are there, keep doing whatever comes next in my routine, and wait for the feelings to pass. Like raging vortex, though, I do also sometimes think of what happened when I tried before & where I ended up. I probably don't want to end up back there again either.