I'm so sorry for the long post, but I'm having a very difficult time over the last few weeks. I can no longer even think of solutions I'm so tuned out.

I have absolutely no idea how to handle my life right now. I feel like I'm just in a tornado with no way out. I already suffer from anxiety and panic attacks (in addition to a multitude of other disorders). Throughout the entire year, I work two jobs. Starting in the spring through August I work three jobs. And the start of the third job is simply more than I can handle. I really think I am going to lose it very soon.

With this job, I'm the manager of a summer theatre. If I bailed now, not only would I lose the money which I desperately need, but I would basically end any chance the theatre has of running this year. I'm not an irresponsible person so I can't just quit - in my head anyway. Everything surrounding this job is a problem - can't find staff, the lobby is flooded from busted pipes, I can't get any money to pay for advertising....just everywhere I turn is an obstacle. And it's become so bad that I can't even stand to hear a phone ring anymore. I had a major meltdown Saturday because of this.

My anxiety is through the roof and I can't even bring myself to go get lunch, go to the store, post office, etc. because I'm retreating so far back into my scared self - the self that I'm positive is going to go into a full blown panic attack the second someone looks at me wrong. I just want everything to go away. I want to be alone with no sounds, no colors, nothing at all. I find myself wishing that I would get sick or injured so badly that I'd be admitted into a hospital because it feels like that's my only way out of this mess.

Nobody that I talk to really understands. Friends at my other jobs say just quit, but it's not that easy. My husband says don't let it bother me, but again really not that easy. I'm constantly taking Clonopin and Tramadol - one to stop the anxiety and the other to stop the constant stress-related pain. I started smoking again, at first just a few a week, but now up to 4-5 a day (or more). I hardly eat anymore. Sleep is filled with nightmares and other strange dreams that keep me from getting any rest. I can't relax. The Clonopin takes the edge off but it hardly makes me relaxed.

Honestly, I don't even know what I'm looking for. There is no easy answer and I don't know what to do or where to turn. I continue to see my therapist but there's only so much we can talk about in an hour. I can't afford a dr. because my insurance doesn't cover mental health. I guess I'm really just here looking for reassurance that there are people that understand what this overwhelming sense of doom feels like. And maybe some things that others have done when feeling like you are at the end of your rope.

Thanks for listening...