I'm under a lot of stress at work. I guess that's in part what's going on. I have a lot of semi-hopeless tasks that I'm responsible for that I just don't know how to do. I have training in computer science, but computer science is broad and for instance, I'm not prepared to be a Linux administrator of multiple workstations. And so on... That's just one thing I have to do for my current job that I'm just not qualified or trained to do, yet it's a small start-up where I just have no choice because there's no one else. In addition, the team is dysfunctional, with people for instance preferring to only talk to me and not each other, trusting me to pass on the relevant information. Sometimes I start feeling really angry.

So I'm having these big ups and downs. Some days when some progress was made or nothing terrible happened, I feel calm and hopeful and come home in a reasonable mood and hang out with my SO. But it's very common, let's say 2-3 evenings a week, when I come home pretty depressed or worried or shaken by something.

This evening I logged into an employee's workstation to copy over some executables for another employee to test. I used something called SFTP to transfer the data. Halfway through, I had a total panic attack that I had used the wrong command and was transferring in the wrong direction and wiping out the data. I killed it and then in my panic closed the terminal and then had to dig around and make sure everything looked intact. Then I checked the destination machine and saw the files had been transferred successfully and was totally baffled as to how that could be when I'd used the wrong command. After a few minutes, I realized I'd used the right command and my panic had just totally come out of nowhere for no reason. It was especially weird because I'd already copied something else using the right command without any worry. Then I'd tried to copy a second file and that's when I freaked out.

I came home feeling pretty exhausted but also disturbed, like maybe I really need to see a doctor, maybe I'm having a more serious issue with anxiety or stress than I thought. I'm not on any medications or seeing a therapist at the moment.

Finally to the main topic... My SO has no tolerance for my negative moods when I come home. When I come home in an OK normal mood, we hang out and have nice evenings. But the moment he detects that I'm in one of my "weird" moods, he gets really impatient. He starts talking to me in this sharp, snappy voice and complains that we're going to have "another one of those evenings." From my side, I feel really angry, that I have to be scared of coming home after a bad day because he doesn't like my "moods." And this evening, I was feeling really disturbed that maybe I need to see a doctor, but when I tried to broach it, he just snapped at me to go take a shower and that my problem is that I "think too much". I get that he's sick of my moods, but I'm also sick of his reactions to me when I'm going through any mental issue.