My wife has no idea I want a divorce, despite so many signs that this relationship is not healthy and not working. Our relationship has faded to a state more like roommates and coparents. There is almost no fighting, but there is no intimacy, on any level. We are like coworkers who get along fine, but have no interest in each other. I’ll spare you the details of our 20+ year story and why we are together, but I am certain that we are not meant to be together.

That being said, I have no idea how to break this to her. We do Not talk about us. We only talk about superficial things like work and about parenting our kids (9 and 13). Because we rarely fight, this will seem to come out of nowhere to her, despite so many signs for so many years. We pretty much already live separate lives, but my wife is ok with things as they are. I am not. I want more and I honestly want more for her. I want to be happy and I want her to be happy, but I do not have more to give to her.

I do not want to hurt her any more than necessary so I am looking for advice on how much to tell her. I have never gotten over a previous relationship that ended 30 years ago. I still have feelings for that woman and plan to connect with her down the line to find closure. To be clear, I’m not leaving my wife to get back with my ex, we are not in contact and I have no idea if she still cares for me, and whether or not she does I will be ok. What I do know is that I don’t love my wife and I know now that what I once did feel for her was not true love. The relationship was founded on fear, confusion and loneliness and cannot stand any longer.

How much do I tell my wife when this conversation inevitably happens? Do I let her know that I now understand that I don't love her and never really did in the way that I need to feel for my partner? Do I tell her I now understand that I settled for her because I didn’t think I would ever know that other kind of love again? Do I tell her I still have feelings for my ex and plan to get closure one way or another? Is total honesty the best policy? Do I owe her the truth of why I am ending our marriage or do I try to soften the blow by leaving out certain harsh details? At the same time I don’t want to give her false hope that things can be worked out, or have her blaming herself and thinking that it could have worked if only she had done this differently or I had done that differently.

Advice?