First and foremost—thanks to all of you for your patience. These days have been kind of rough on me and I’ve had some time to reflect on some of your responses during this time. I want to again explicitly say how much I appreciate your responses and your approach. I’ve mentioned I’ve had very bad experiences with forums, so I feel I was putting myself out in a vulnerable spot. Thank you for words, really and truly.

I’ll try to go in order, and hopefully I cover everything.

@ScarletPimpernel Thank you for your response. You mentioned (and corbie also in the same vein) talked about looking at approaches and modalities with some research to find perhaps a better fit in a therapist. This isn’t something I considered before – maybe being a bit more proactive in my approach of finding a fit rather than passively being assigned might do me some good. I appreciate the suggestion very much! I also felt encourages that it may take a little work, but finding a fit and finding benefit is not out of reach.

@corbie Thanks for your response as well! To answer your questions first:
· My first therapist who I had for 5 years was originally part of a online therapy website but when I could no longer afford it, we switched to personal email and a private payment. So, I was very much used to text-based/messages. I found a lot of luck and benefit with that method – I had chances to reflect and really explore the issue or topic at hand, and I could feel I could reach out in very serious moments without issue, or just shorter messages 2-3 times a week as needed. My therapist retired, so I have been looking for alternatives, since COVID it’s been telehealth almost exclusively which is helpful to be honest because I live in a small rural town with slim pickings for therapists and I’m not even sure any are taking new patients. Approach and personality can vary greatly indeed… I’m just not sure how to go about it. I mean, a step forward is a step forward… even if it’s a bit shaky and without direction, at least it’s not being stagnant right? I should at least be open to trying.
· You mentioned many different therapy types and suggested a starting point for me with skill-based therapy options to the front. I’m going to do some research into some of those and see if I can find someone who would be able to accommodate that.

For what it’s worth, I’m really afraid of being judged too harshly. I tried therapy a while back and something they said kind of scarred me. Please keep in mind they were just a more blunt and calculated type of person, but it really hit hard nonetheless. After the intake, she made this comment “I mean, I don’t want to lead you on. I can’t help you if you can’t help yourself. I will work with you and all, but if you don’t think it’ll make a difference, this is useless.” – this comment seems kind of out of the blue. I was actively seeking therapy and in my position, I couldn’t see specific feelings, actions, needs, changing… she wasn’t wrong in her analysis, but it wasn’t a helpful statement. I felt disillusioned. I’m beyond help because I can’t even help myself.

For that reason, I’m really afraid to go into therapy without a clear understand of what I need, where I am, a plan to move forward, and a goal. I feel even worse I can’t seem to get myself to have a clear idea of that either.
I’ll let that lead into my response to @Waterbear . I’m sorry to hear about your mother passing. I definitely understand the sentiments you expressed, about unresolved feelings from traumas with family members and then they pass. It’s kind of you to say such kind words to me, that I’m worth the effort. I think that may be a bit of my problem to start with. If you don’t mind me asking-- what are your therapy sessions like? As in, how is it structured? I’ve not heard much about that therapy style.

As for a gut feeling as to what I need? Honestly I don’t. If I am to be honest (and again, I don’t like feeling vulnerable) – I don’t know what is wrong with me. We all know we are more than just a summation of labels of diagnoses, or even experiences. I just deep down feel I’m beyond the reach of anyone who can put me in bounds with typical human behaviors. I don’t like people, I don’t work, I don’t leave my house – I feel like most experiences have with people are generally negative. I mean beyond so much trauma growing up and as an adult and my lack of any real positive relationships I just feel the only common denominator is me, and I don’t know how to change it and I can’t change how I feel. I fight so hard to be understood, and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to share much more than that – but I’m not even sure I am capable of being independent anymore, if I ever was .. I fought so hard for that and lost it all.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for your comments. Maybe soon I’ll make a phone call and see if I can find a therapist. Here’s to hoping.