Over the years I´ve seen different counselors and therapists and some of them I still miss. I don´t see a therapist at the moment and I don´t expect to get access to psychotherapy in the future.

I´ve really tried to find someone who could help me but I haven´t succeeded but I though have fond memories of some of the therapists and counselors I´ve met with.

I understand that I subconsciusly search for being part of someone´s life and I guess it feels a bit like that when I see a therapist or a counselor. I completely understand I won´t be my therapist´s friend or that I´ll be part of her family but I get at least a little "mini part" of being close to someone.

I still miss my first therapist I saw seven years ago and now when it´s summer I think about what she might be doing, if she perhaps owns a summer cottage and spends her vacation there and with whom.

I think about my latest counselor who I left two months ago and I wonder what she´s doing, if she perhaps attends some dog training course or spends time with her family in their vacation home.

I live on welfare and I wouldn´t look for someone to live with as I don´t have any money, no job, no nothing really. By that I keep imagining what my former counselors and therapists are doing and I kind of wish I was part of their family. I know it´s just a fantasy and perhaps I wouldn´t find their family or their life as appealing if I really know how it is.

Seeing a therapist once a week, even if I in most cases knew that therapist or counselor wouldn´t be able to help me, made me feel a kind of belonging. An illusion of being part of someone else´s life and I felt less lonely. Someone to visit, someone to get a bit dressed up for, someone to prepare to see. I know it´s all very fraudulent and fragile but those "relationships" are all I´ve got during the years.