Hi. I'm lost in my life. And here is my story:

Background

I'm 24yo male. I live in Poland (Eastern Europe). Normal family, happy childhood. In middle-school I had my first depression episode. I was very shy back then. I felt alone. That's how I discovered porn. Got addicted, still to this day (doing that everyday 1-3 times a day). After graduation I moved to different city alone. I went to college and I was working.

Mental problems

I moved from my parents so I was alone in different city. Didn't have friends there so I started to have panic attacks. Got medication, but it was getting worse. In meantime I discovered adult webcams.

My tastes

I admire women body and all women's stuff. I'm also hypersexual, thinking about sex all the time. I guess it may be because of the porn addiction. But I started to experimenting. I started to wear women's stuff like heels, bras, dresses etc. but not in bad way in my opinion. I wanted to look like normal woman. Sure, I started to do those webcams and I was good at it (earned 2000$ in month). I felt good in "that skin". It felt good because someone thought that I was a woman. But it was also hurting me - I had panic attacks, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I was ashamed. I knew that I was doing something that society doesn't accept.

Obsession

I really love heels. Don't know why. Sure, I do all woman's stuff - dresses, stockings, jewelry, makeup etc, but I do love heels the most. If I could, I would have a full wardrobe of them. I love wearing them, walking in them, and just looking at them. I prefer watching them in porn, and it's hard to not look at other girls wearing them. I watch them in stores or search them online if I've got some free time

First coming-out

I told about webcams to my best friend and he accepted it, it felt good that he supports me. Then my mom discovered my clothes, had a talk but we don't talk about itanymore.

First sex

I started my sex life when I was 21yo. My first sex was with 50yo woman found online. I don't regret that, we met few times and it was pretty good, because she was dressed in nice clothes, heels, something that I like and I'd wear myself. Then a sex with 26yo. Also good.

Illness

Shortly after starting my sex life, I got seriously ill (hearth issues from flu virus), but I cured it and now I'm good.

Girlfriend

Shortly after leaving hospital, I met next girl online, but she was different. She was nice. We talked a lot, and we liked each other. We are together 1.5 year now. It is my first long-term relationship, got a lot of issues, but she cured my depression, and then she got depressed becaused I told her about my addictions and stuff I did. She tries to treat it to this day. We don't do much sex, because she doesn't quite like it. She's feminist, so she doesn't approve that I like high heels, underwear etc. and I did webcams, because it "objectify" women.

Going out public

My "need" to dress up like woman intesified lately. I want to try to dress up and go out into public. My girlfriend knows about it. I can do it, but I'm not sure if she is accepting that in 100%.

Who am I

If I woke up one day and had to choose to be woman/man, then I'd choose to be a woman. But I'm a man. And I don't want to change my gender (physically). I accept my role in society. I don't know why I want to be a woman. I think that I'm not bad looking, I watch and read a lot of science-related things, so I think that I'm quite smart. I work in IT. I think that I'm funny, and yet, I want to "try to be someone else".

Natural look

I'm trying to be 100% natural woman, not like sex-doll or trans with a lot of makeup, 30cm heels etc.. I try to be that woman you can meet in the bus, restaurant, street, work. But still, it's often connected with sexual fantasies.

Summary

- I don't want to change my gender
- I want "to be a woman" sometimes
- I feel satisfaction from "cheating" other people to think that I'm a woman
- I want to dress up like my "ideal woman" in my head (to be very feminine)
- It is often connected with sexual fantasies
- Im not interested in men. Even if I'm dressed up, if sexual fantasies are involved - Im thinking that I'm doing it with women

Questions

- Why am I like this? Is it due to porn addiction? Or is it just the way I am?
- Can it be a dual personality?
- What should I do? Should I dress up and go out public? Won't it hurt my girlfriend?
- Can it work? Can I be a man, and sometimes be "a girl" for few hours?
- If my "public go out" will be success, can it be a new addiction instead (or with) porn addiction?
- How to talk about that stuff with my girlfriend? Even if she's trying to accept my "strange side", it's quite weird to talk about for both of us
- It's hard for me to choose my path. Should I force trying to stop thinking about being a woman? Or should I just let it go and do whatever I want?
- Can it be "acting"? Like Hollywood? I'm thinking sometimes that it is like being an actor - can I be that good actor that people will think that I'm a woman? Like playing a role?

Thank you for reading and any answers. If you've got any questions, I'd be happy to answer.