I've read the rest of the posts finally...I found it all a lot about stuff that I've reflected on before because I've been thinking about similar issues recently. So I'll add more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by blubbbrabbel
So sorry to hear, you lost your mother!!
I am trying to work again from this week, because I know we have deadlines... but it feels too soon. I want to be there for my father, too. He was planning to care for her and leave work...
Well, I said to my bf he was egoistic first. So he said I had been egoistic. But he instisted that this is not a bad thing. That I was the one saying it was bad.
Well, I am pmulsive and used to get out in fights... I try to change this. Abd since we were about to move together I wanted to stay tge night. But I went to bed first and honestly did not expect that he would sleep on the sofa....
He was so upset when I decided to stay another night at my dad last saturday. And he brouht it up again. Because he was alone... and this too, to me was something I just imagine to blame a partner for, who just lost a parent. It is not about maybe feeling alone and disappointed and bringing it up. But about saying there is something wrong with this.
|
He said it was wrong for you to stay at your dad one more day? That would be the extreme rigidity under extreme emotional stress and it doesn't serve either of you. I agree with that, how it's not any good. But unfortunately he is just not going to be able to communicate with you in the emotionally refined manner when under such stress. It is your decision as to whether you want to put in time and effort to deal with that or leave the relationship instead. Or, alternatively, I think it could be time for couples counselling for you two again. In my personal opinion, based on the limited information I have, since he was responsive to such counselling before, it's the best option for you two to do right now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
Omg. After my mother’s unexpected death I was a mess for a long time. This boyfriend of yours is not a good person. I am sorry he is a jerk. You’ve been egotistical a WEEK after your mother’s death???? What did he expect?
|
Are you trying to say "able to pay less attention" rather than "egotistical"?
I'm not English but the definition of "egotistical" in the dictionary is as follows:
"excessively conceited or absorbed in oneself; self-centred"
Temporarily not being able to pay as much attention because of being very sad and exhausted isn't about that to me
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
“She asked for it to be signed only by my dad and me.”
“My boyfriend is disappointed and angry, that I did non include him in the newspaper anouncement.”
^This is shocking to me as to how he made this about himself.
|
I don't claim to know him at all and maybe he's very different from me. But, I had received that accusation before when it wasn't at all true. And I was just as hurt by the accusation as the person felt hurt by my actions. It was just an unfortunate outcome of a situation under very high stress for both of us (us: me and the other, more emotional type of person).
I only read the rest of the posts in the thread now. I feel like, having reflected on it, conflict resolution will not happen if we lack trust and consequently want to default to anger *with* negative assumptions and black and white, global characterisations of intent and the entire personality of the other person who we are in conflict with.
I feel like, getting past all that to truly try and resolve certain conflicts is incredibly hard though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna
This guy is emotionally ignorant. I question if he has real feelings, or is just trying to balance the score?
|
That sounds like generalising to me, saying "he is emotionally ignorant". He may have working and about average empathy under normal circumstances. (Or not, but since he was willing and able to change things after couples couunselling, it indicates to me an existing capacity for empathy and NOT a complete lack of emotional ignorance.)
Why would he not have real feelings for his girlfriend if he bothered as much as to give real support and change things in couples counselling before? Those are hard, concrete things he has done out of commitment for his girlfriend (thread OP).
I still think though that without more couples counselling this relationship could become too toxic because of extreme communication issues, resulting from mutual lack of trust and life stresses.
Quote:
|
Is he an engineer? He pretends to have feelings, but it is always deal deal deal. This is not a good life.
|
Again, why would it be just pretension, taking into account the above?
Here's a secret. People like that (many people, many guys, even some women) want to keep control of their emotions as much as possible. That's how their brain is wired. It is hard if not impossible for such people to be emotionally vulnerable in the midst of negatively charged emotional drama. To be able to be emotionally open and vulnerable enough to *communicate emotionally* (rather than "deal", "deal"), they need an extra safe environment emotionally. And if that's not present, well then it's going to look like there are no feelings behind that attempt to keep emotional control even if there may be many feelings in actuality. The miscommunication resulting from all that is just sad. Re: conflict resolution issues.