@ruby2011

Are you going to respond to the question of mine? Just clarify for me please if you are going to. You don't have to, I'm just curious.


Also someone referred to some earlier thread of yours, I checked it out.

I find reading that stuff that you just seem like, with the ASD you are "emotionally deaf" to tone of how people speak in situations with each other, whenever you refer to how others got away with stuff you get into trouble with.


I don't know how to explain that better. I don't know why people on here don't understand that, either. It was immediately obvious to me reading those posts. I don't know a lot about ASD but it makes sense to me that you would have that problem with it. Being so deaf to the emotional tone and trying to get by based on rigid verbal definitions is going to of course cause a lot of issues and make it seem like you have random holes in your understanding (because you do do have many holes in it unfortunately). And then some people on here seem to assume you are having those holes on purpose. No, no,.... definitely can see how it's not on purpose or intentional. So it's impossible for you to try and take full responsibility for that even if you wanted to.

The only thing you can take full responsibility for is accept consequences of your decision to keep working while you know it's going to be VERY stressful for you. But you seem to have chosen that over wanting to get along with people better. And that may be a wise decision for you to want to focus on work instead of people, as long as you can handle the stress of working *and* working without having a manager as your special friend, which is where I think it's not wise right now. Maybe later, when you are no longer in a crisis. This is why I asked why you want to keep working now.


Anyway. Those earlier posts I read... I have no idea how ASD people are taught to learn social skills more or about boundaries/personal distances between people. So I will attempt to explain stuff, because I felt like I'd like to try. It could be totally unsuccessful


But for example:

You asked,


"How come colleagues can say to each other, "I missed you at work" and it's ok?"

Because "missed you" refers to a different object, so to speak. The object is not a deep, very close, very personal relationship that doesn't belong between work friends. But rather more like, refers to their experiences at work, that is the "material" for their friendship. It is just more casual and "shallow". Depth beyond that belongs only in truly deep personal settings. And the emotional tone you are deaf to conveys all that, along with their overall situation, along with other things they have said to each other and done around each other before. It all just fits and is appropriate that way.

"How come at Arby's when a coworker was quitting, she told the supervisor, "I'll really miss you" and got only positive response? It's the same supervisor who hates me. And that very same coworker who just graduated high school at that time told her favorite teacher, "I miss you and I love you.""

With a teacher, it's closer to the parent-kid relationship, so it can fit better there. Plus like others said, it's said as goodbye when leaving permanently.

"I'll never forget a social media post when another girl my former supervisor used to work with listed all her (the supervisor's) good points and said how privileged she was to have worked with her. She ended the post saying, "Love and miss you." She also got a positive response from that supervisor, the same one who reacted negatively to me,

How come all that was ok but when I told my current supervisor it'll be hard not to see him for 2 weeks, it's not ok?"

It was ok, because she used wording that refers to not very deeply personal feelings either. Just simply a kind of polite positivity, and again emotional tone conveys all the details of that. It is hard to verbalise all that beyond the tone and nonverbal expression. Also it was ok because she focused with the positivity on the other person, without being clingy or without showing too many deep personal feelings of their own.

Sorry, again this is hard to verbalise. I've tried my best. But I imagine you as being very clingy with showing all your feelings without a filter, and that is a very different presentation from what this other girl did, with very different objects as the focus, and with relatively less focus on her own feelings or overall depth of feelings of closeness. If you want to talk about how you like the manager, you can say something way more noncommittal than "I'll miss you so much for two weeks, it will be so hard to not see you". You can just say you hope that they'll enjoy their vacation and that you look forward to working together again - nothing about your feelings of subjective experience - but with your background even that could be problematic because you could still say that with the wrong timing and wrong tone/expression/presentation, especially if you still have feelings of too much closeness behind the words, or even if not, it could still be misread by others with the previous history they have of you. (I don't know if you are going to stay at this workplace so I'm saying that in general)



So, it's all about presentation, about what the focus is, and keeping a distance with keeping some of your feelings to yourself, especially the most sensitive ones. Especially the ones where if you feel if you were rejected over them, you'd get very angry or have outbursts. Those are not to be shared with others when you feel you would respond that way. That is when rejection would just humiliate you and naturally you want to avoid that.


And so overall, I think, it's understandable that you are so stressed and in crisis over how you can't keep these relationships working. I think what would work for you is find another ASD person to be so close with or someone who knows a lot about ASD and is used to it. If it must be a supervisor at a workplace, then a supervisor who is like that. Preferably the whole workplace would be like that, i.e. understanding ASD and knowing how to deal with it. I really see the ASD as the primary problem, not the BPD, judging from the posts I've read. I think the clinginess and stuff you have about people is also more ASD than BPD. Your emotional dysregulation as well. But if you keep focusing on relationships that are doomed to not work out from the start then that will exacerbate your BPD too, yeah. So I don't recommend you repeat that without being selective with whom you try to build the relationship with (someone who understands your ASD).



I don't think I can contribute more here. If you can answer my earlier question, maybe I can comment on that, if not then I don't think I have more thoughts.