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Originally Posted by ruby2011
I want to keep working because it’s a normal adult thing to do. It’s who I am. Lots of us tie our identities to work.
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Yeah that's what I had in mind when I talked about autonomy and the like.
When I had cPTSD, it helped me survive too. (I don't know about the ASD and BPD stuff, so I'm just saying this in general)
But it does have a cost too to try and do it that way, are you fully aware of that cost?
Looking back I feel like it was also kinda irrational that I felt like I needed it to survive, but it did help also - but only as long as I was able to handle the workload. That's important to consider.
I know that if I had been like, it really is impossible, then I'd have stopped anyway, it doesn't mean the end of the world if not working for a year or something like that. Rest and recovery can be nice lol
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I want to work retail this time, not fast food.
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I remember someone mentioned IT...you aren't interested in that kind of thing?
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But I no longer believe that people are any good. I had a long string of people who cared about me for a while (like 3-4 years) and then suddenly push me away. Ignore me. Abandon me. Such is life.
And right when I think understand something, another thing happens to contradict it
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I read a bit of the earlier threads like I said, and I remember you mentioned in here or somewhere else that it seems like all your relationships end suddenly with these people. But reading the threads (even just a bit) it was obvious from this outsider pov that things were already not going very well and that it had been that way for a while. Maybe if you analyse all that and tune into things that you did not focus on before, you'll understand more eventually.
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Sorry I was passed out a bit wasted in bed all day yesterday
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No worries at all!
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Originally Posted by ruby2011
I intuitively know what people are thinking or feeling. My BPD causes me to disregard it most of the time. Cuz I can’t accept, for instance, when my GM dropped cues to back off.
I said in passing that I may be on the spectrum. Most of my coworkers replied, “you are not!” Lol
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Well I had that too in mind that besides the ASD thing of not reading emotions much, your emotions from the BPD or trauma or something, they can obscure other people's feelings in an extreme way and then you can miss them and that just adds to the default ASD problems. Creating the mess you mention about contradictions.
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Originally Posted by ruby2011
I doubt it was romantic although I been accused of being infatuated with these people. All I really did was show appreciation for how nice and kind they were to me.
At McDonald’s, multiple people said how nice and good the GM is. And I felt exactly the same way. During one of his visits to our store, a coworker said, “take me with you!” He was like, “ok.” Both were aware it’s obviously not gonna happen for real. It’s their way of joking around and expressing that they miss each other.
On his next visit after that, my shift manager M started chatting up that GM about his blood sugar. As GM was leaving! Nevertheless, GM engaged in that conversation for a good few minutes. Right after they finished, I went, “take me with you to (his new store).”
He immediately went, “bye (my name)” without ever acknowledging anything I said. I don’t think I even finished my sentence.
This is the same person, back when he used to like me, who might’ve literally saved my life. Not long after I started working here, I was still traumatized by Arby’s supervisor. Drinking helped me cope. Except he told me it doesn’t it makes things worse. I was able to talk about that old bag with him, the old bag who cost me my voice for a year and a half. And I dropped the booze so I don’t drink myself to death.
People change. I must accept it
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Just out of curiosity - since analysing just this one interaction is not going to answer all the contradictions - were you joking too?