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Originally Posted by ruby2011
I mean I prolly start off behaving normally when I first start at a company. I guess it’s normal to feel appreciative when someone treats me kindly. That’s why I wasn’t the only one who said GM is nice and good. So many people did. And the people who said nice things to him…well you know. I meant to behave exactly like these people. I didn’t get the same good results though, as evident from after he transferred.
Even while he was here, there were 2 different week-long instances that he ignored me. One was early fall of 2019. The other one happened 11 months later. Idk it spontaneously happened. Good thing both instances lasted only a week. Any longer and I woulda gone crazy.
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You bet that it came across to him just fine through the interactions, sooner or later, that you were already so strongly invested in him. Even if you tried to hide it some
Which made the relationship DOOMED right from the start, as soon as you got that attached to be crazy about him. That's why it ended bad eventually. It just was not going to be reciprocated deep enough and long term enough.
I assume you understand how that goes beyond being simply appreciative?
What is your reasoning behind you thinking that you strongly need this investment and connection? You may really do feel you need that, but I am interested in how you'd verbalise that, writing it out using actual words.
Like if you can go this far with it, how does it fit into your worldview and view of yourself and your needs? And things like that.
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Besides those 2 instances, you may recall he said he’s going on vacation and won’t think about me once. That’s in response to me saying how hard it would be that he isn’t here. That’s rude of him to respond to someone who just expressed deeply missing him while he’s gone. But he might be just terribly looking forward to his vacation I think.
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Yeah, I wasn't there but yes it sounds like he did try to be rude to help add to distance between you two. But not like trying to totally push you away, just doing that. I'm not saying I endorse that rudeness. It's simply really hard for people to know how to keep boundaries around that stuff, it requires advanced EQ (emotional intelligence) & time & energy & specific knowledge of ASD and whatever else would be relevant to understanding your behaviours. So it requires all that. So even if someone has advanced EQ, and I think your manager probably had better than average EQ, the rest of the requirements are going to be too much 99% of the time. It's simply not realistic.
And when I say he was being rude, of course he likely didn't want to tune in to how much it was going to hurt for you, but it was going to, so it definitely is very rude viewing it from your perspective and I frankly think it's objectively very rude and insensitive too, but most people really are not going to focus and tune in that much to realise the extent of that insensitivity. Because they are trying to save their own skin in that moment from something that they think they need to escape (e.g. clinginess). If you ever get to realising how that makes sense that they were trying to save their own skin from a closer relationship, that will help you with lessening the pain maybe. I don't know, it's a big maybe whether that would help.
It would be a really really hard pill to swallow in one go, anyway. And, I will say I don't understand at all in the first place about how you got attached to him so much, you've pretty much lost me there, I'm sorry about your experience of that rudeness though.
And again I would like to ask...are you able to put into words your reasoning about why you think you need all these people to pay attention to your deep feelings?
I noticed you were saying this:
"That’s rude of him to respond to someone who just expressed deeply missing him while he’s gone. But he might be just terribly looking forward to his vacation I think."
You used the word "just". Why? Could you put this into words? Why do you think it's a small thing, such as, to refer to it with a word like "just"? That is how it sounds like from that wording, to me. That you see it as a small enough thing. Do you see everyone else as having those deep feelings at work? Or is this something else?
Am I making sense to you with this?
And the last sentence, was some attempt at explaining it away but it didn't make much sense to me. I'm only mentioning this because you may want to review a lot of your assumptions about people's emotions. Sometime when you feel ready for it, maybe. I don't think I can say more about this part
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I never told of this anecdote before. Three weeks before he transferred, he got the news from his superiors that they’re transferring him to another store. The GM girl who’s replacing him was present at the store to check things out. She’s 25 and I worked with her at this store before she became GM. When I started, she was 22 year old hourly manager (right below GM) and when she first got promoted, she briefly left for a store in OK.
So I got curious about her presence back at this store and asked why she’s here. He said she’s gonna replace him after he transfers to (another store). I said I don’t want him to go and I’ll really miss him.
Him: get over it
I figured he prolly didn’t know how to deal with negative feelings about leaving so he didn’t know how to respond. I reasoned like that even after my coworkers also told him (the same day) they’ll miss him and he responded he’ll also miss them. However, for the rest of his time here, he continued to be nice and kind to me again so I was emotionally intact.
Was that a red flag when he told me to get over it?
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I don't know how he said that, I wasn't there. If you mean whether it was a red flag in terms of how he was not going to stay in contact too much with you, well yeah he was telling you pretty openly that he was not going to. Beyond that I don't know if it was a red flag for anything else as I wasn't there.
I also didn't see/witness how you said that about how you were going to miss him, btw
I again saw something in your lines here.
"However, for the rest of his time here, he continued to be nice and kind to me again so I was emotionally intact."
Do you really just need superficial niceness and kindness repeatedly to get so strongly attached and remain calm enough about the whole thing as long as that continues regularly enough? Would you get calmed down now from all the trauma emotions if he was nice again in a *superficial* way?
I am not saying your trauma emotions are meaningless, I'm just asking. I could've misread all that though lol, it was just interesting the way you worded it.